Let’s revisit, shall we???? B.D.M. is the most VICIOUS DISEASE KNOWN TO MAN!!! -Sean Patrick Flanery
The hard & painful truth. Like it or not… here it comes!!
Okay, good news and bad news. The bad news is that there are a large number of things that kill human beings. The good news is that the VAST majority of these deadly things are avoidable. That’s right, B.D.M. kills more people per day than every other disease COMBINED. What is B.D.M. you ask? Well, the main thing to know is that it’s as completely 100% preventable… as a redundancy.
At my academy, Hollywood Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, we see and diagnose cases of B.D.M. daily. Usually it was contracted during the early stages of development, right in the carrier’s own home. Unfortunately, it’s almost always hereditary. It’s handed down from parents to children long before the symptoms are even visible in the child. We call on everyone to address the B.D.M. epidemic one case at a time.
There is ONE key ingredient, and ONE key ingredient only that is necessary to combat all forms of B.D.M. Unfortunately, that ingredient is a more rare commodity than all the precious metals and gem stones on the planet. The antidote… VALUES. If the correct VALUES are placed in us at an early age then we will always possess the DESIRE to resist B.D.M.
THE PAINFUL REALITY: IT WOULD BE WONDERFUL IF THERE WAS A PILL TO COMBAT THIS DEVASTATING DISEASE, BUT THERE’S NOT. THE CURE RESTS SOLELY ON THE SHOULDERS OF PARENTS ALL OVER THE GLOBE. CANCER, DIABETES, ALCOHOLISM, DRUG ADDICTION, AUTOMOBILE FATALITIES, OBESITY, ETC. ARE ALL LARGELY (NOT SOLELY) A PRODUCT OF B.D.M.
More hard truth: My mother developed cancer in 1990, and spent two years on chemo-therapy and radiation. My mother has been in remission for 20 years now, and is healthy and working at Hollywood BJJ in Los Angeles, day in and day out, right by my side. However, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that she was a smoker for 30 years prior to developing cancer. My mother got cancer solely because of B.D.M.
B.D.M. is the cause of the VAST majority of all the problems in most peoples lives… including mine. Although I combat it everyday, I too have been a victim of B.D.M.
Only the correct VALUES placed inside a child will result in a person capable of possessing the DESIRE to do the right thing. They will have a much stronger DESIRE for the long term result of putting the effort in to do the right thing, as opposed to the temporary RELIEF of NOT doing the right thing.
Taking proper care of one’s health is nothing more than a parent properly ILLUSTRATING the consequences of NOT taking care of one’s health. It is very easy for a child to see the danger of putting his/her hand on a spinning band saw. However, it is very DIFFICULT for a child to see the long term consequences of smoking. If a child can see the definitive consequences, they are more likely to self-preserve. For example, in the end, the same people that had smoked two packs of cigarettes a day would Aron Ralston their own arm off if it would buy them a few more days.
B.D.M. is infecting our population at an accelerated pace, and will most surely destroy us from the inside out if we don’t start (inside the home) to reverse the trend.
FAR more often than not; YES it is your fault, and YES, it was preventable. Just fess up and take charge of your health, your future… your life. Remember, you’re not a failure until you start blaming someone else.
So, what do we DO????? Well…
I’m not going to start a charity to raise money for this horrifying disease. I’m not even going to ask you to wear a specially colored rubber band around your wrist to… “raise awareness”. I’m simply going to initiate what I like to call a “Responsibility Drive”. Every bit of responsibility you collect, you keep for yourself. I’ve already taken complete responsibility for my life, and my bad decisions are waning by the day. I’m not waiting for someone to save me. I’ll save myself.
Welcome to the RESPONSIBILITY REVOLUTION… we’ve saved you a seat.
Choose health. Choose responsibility. Choose LIFE. -Sean Patrick Flanery
Well said. Did you see the Blue Cross Blue Shield commercial where two boys are fighting about how much their dads can eat? This country is going to go downhill FAST at the rate we’re going. Thanks for the public service announcement. Hopefully everyone will do their part to fight B.D.M.
That’s a blog I can agree with. And you almost made it through writing it without insulting anyone almost that’s is but not fully.
Hi Sean: I lost my mom and sister within 6 months of each other to this horrible disease! I quit 12 years ago! BDM Is definitely running rampant among our society, especially our youth! I will get on your “Responsibility Train!” Hell, I’ll be the conductor, choo choo!
“I’m not waiting for someone to save me. I’ll save myself.” Fuck yes, preach on, preacher!
I wonder how many feathers can you ruffle with this one?
Well Said Sean Patrick Flanery!!! We ALL have done this B.D.M. but TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS TO MOVE FORWARD TO A POSITIVE LIFE-ITS THE ONLY WAY TO LIVE & LEARN & GROW & BECOME THE “YOU” THAT CAN BE PROUD OF ONESELF & AND OTHERS WILL RESPECT YOU FOR THIS AS WELL. Just my take on this topic 🙂
Sean, you’ll be proud of me. For Christmas, I’ve asked for a gym membership so I can make good on my promise to you to see a skinnier girl in May then you did in Austin. I’m really to kick some ass and take some names! 😉
Nicely said, Sir. I’m glad there are at least a few good people out there that still hold values and common sense.
Imagine,if you will, if people actually embraced the concept and accepted ownership of their own personal BDM. I ran out of excuses myself and blaming others got old and so did I. BDM has cost me much in my life but GDM is turning it around for the most part. I will admit I still can revert into BDM depending on a given situation but GDM is the antidote . well written Sean !
Love the photo. Who is the photographer?
Amen, brother. I was raised by a single parent who happened to be schizophrenic. I don’t know if the poor chick ever made a capable decision. I do know being reared in a hostile and unstable environment did me no favors. As a result, I spent the first 25 years making one hellacious clusterF out of my life. It’s taken the last 20 to clean up my mess. Having a solid (or even quasi-normal) parent would have made the road easier, no doubt.
~But you can’t use that as a life long crutch~
At some point you wake up to realize you’re an adult, and now you’re making your own bad choices. You can wake up to that knowledge and own it in order to change the path you’re on…or you can be a weakass and whine “life was hard for me” and perpetuate the cycle of dysfunction. When life has you down there’s no where to go, but up. I hope you all choose well, but more importantly.. I hope you realize it is never to late to make a change for the better.
The dysfunction is appalling, envisioning a single schizophrenic parent raising a child on her own is just mortifying. There’s more hostility than goes reported and a world of dysfunction that span as wide as the color spectrum. I’ll ne’er understand compulsive liars or abusive mo’fo’s that try dominating children and their friends. All I know is there is a wide path and a narrow path and I’ll choose the path of wisdom and strength every day. What I’ve endured has molded me into who I am but cannot define me. My individuality may not be widely accepted in my way of thinking, but I don’t care about what others think unless I personally value their opinion. I graduated at age 20 and had been through a lot of BS, who hasn’t, but regardless of what other morons thought I did it. Bereft of parents, homeless, and almost too old for a diploma I got a 4.0 and graduated with honors. I woke up and realized I was an adult, and I had to show the rest of them what a responsible person can do with a life. Making something better out of myself is better than destroying myself. I’d like to instill those values of honesty, integrity, respect, and so forth in my sons, making the best out of every day.
No hate. No anger. No negativity. Just appreciation and respect from me.
I too combat B.D.M every day. Long before you posted your very first blog post I made a choice to live a better life for myself. I am not perfect, but every day gives me an opportunity to improve.
I live on a dairy free diet, also no breads, cakes, cookies, etc. … basically avoiding anything with flour. Every single meal I eat has fruits and/or vegetables, lean meat or fish. I exercise every single day, even if it’s just a walk; only this past week (post surgery) have I modified it to fit the doctor’s recommendations of easing back into my routine. I recently went from a size 8 to a size 4, but it truly has never been about losing weight … just being healthy!
P.S. I am glad you are taking good care of yourself, Sean!
Mireille, congratulations, and a fast & smooth recovery to you!xx
Thank you, Yeya!! You are a beautiful lady and I want to congratulate you on the goals you have achieved (saw pictures Sean retweeted). Please don’t give up, keep at it!!! xx
Aww, thank you so much! I will absolutely not give up! I haven’t reached my goal yet, but it’s set, and I’m half-way there 🙂 I appreciate the encouragement very much. Sean really does have the best people in his life <3
Yea Yena keep it up! I just weighed myself today. I don’t focus on tje weight so much as how my clothes fit. Mirelle Congrats as well. We know this journey can be long but one worth taking. I have lost 46 lbs since January. I worried about weather it was from what I was doing or a medical reason. It still could be. Tests December will see. I am pretty confident its my GDM. Sean I know you have been taking some criticisms lately regarding this. I know you mean well even if it hard for people to accually get what you are saying. I for one appreciate the effort in trying to change how people people think but we know it is difficult. Since losing what I have I have been trying to help motivate. People. I too have been hated on. Oh well. You do inspire so many like these great ladies! Keep up the great blog and ladies again well done!
Thank you, Martha. Congrats on your accomplishments. I’m cheering for you!!
I agree 100% Sean 🙂 Growing up I resisted the urge to start Smoking and Drinking, even though i got bullied for being boring because i didnt. The way i see it, I’ve saw what happened to my family because of Drinking and Smoking, Cancer, Strokes etc and I lost a couple of members of my family to Cancer and I decided that I didnt want to end up that way. I can admit that I do have a couple of beers now and again but I dont drink to excess and I’m happy being the way I am 🙂 I’m definately not saying I haven’t made Bad Decisions because I have and I’m trying hard to quit my bad habits like Junk food etc lol. Thanks for the Inspiration x
I too suffer from BDM. I do almost everyday, but that is going to stop! The only person to blame is myself and no other. I am going to take it one day at a time so I don’t feel overwhelmed, but I will not give up! It is upon myself to change. Nobody else is going to do it for me! I can do this!!!!!!! I have a great support system in place. My friends and family agree that I suffer from BDM and are willing to help. To anyone out there who is in need of support I am there 24/7! You have to do it yourself, but it helps to have people there who support you 🙂 xoxoxo Sean!! Another wonderful blog!
I see nothing here to hate, and if anyone does give you grief about it they’re simply in denial of reality. People don’t want to face tough issues, they don’t even want to hear anyone using the word “fat” because they think it’s not politically correct. Screw political correctness, a spade is a spade. Big isn’t beautiful, it’s unhealthy, and has nothing to do with how attractive someone is or about accepting people the way they are. We’ve become -too- accepting and too tolerant of detrimental behaviors in every aspect of modern culture, from harmful chemicals, hormones and preservatives in our food to polluting our environment, to a sedentary lifestyle. Eating healthy and keeping your body fit to benefit mental and physical well-being and longevity are common sense issues that should have no debate. Unfortunately that common sense has taken a back seat to convenience, and the easy road to a short, disease-prone life.
Good stuff. Inspiring me once again to get my butt outside and get’r done. Plus this helped me a lot with some things I have been thinking about.
I haven’t been working out for long and I haven’t been smokeless for long. But after my mother left and I was all alone I really had no choice but to take care of myself, I wouldn’t even have the option of falling on or blaming someone else for my faults. But my mom was a smoker for 40 years, so I started smoking thinking it was ok. My mom made poor choices in food and such and I did the same because I didn’t see the long term effects till after I had finished growing and started to gain stupid amounts of weight not only that after I had my child and noticed how lazy fat and gross I felt. Clearly that was my own fault. I made those terrible choices. So I started making new choices, healthy choices. My son may only be a year old, but he will grow up to see what I have done and what I am doing. Hopefully he will make healthy choices because I know I will be there to lead the way for him or set him up with a path and hope he follows my bread crumbs. Plus getting him into a regular physical activity. AND FOR ANY SMOKERS OUT THERE!! If you really truly want to quit smoking you wont look back, I haven’t craved one for this long and I don’t think I ever will. 😀 Stay healthy Sean 🙂
HIGHFIVE, MIREILLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so proud of you!!!!!!! <3……………… B.D.M is a daily fight. Sometimes it wins a battle, but as far as I'm concerned I've got the upper hand on the War.
Thank you, Caitlin <3 I KNOW you have the upper hand, I believe in you!!!
Love it! It is so true too. I have had to take responsibility for my own BDM and it is not fun but I feel so much better now that I have taken responsibility and am fixing as much as I can.
“FAR more often than not; YES it is your fault, and YES, it was preventable. Just fess up and take charge of your health, your future… your life. Remember, you’re not a failure until you start blaming someone else.”
Yes!! I love this. There is far too much finger-pointing going on in today’s society.
I have suffered from BDM for a really long time. Working on it on a day to day basis. Accepting that one can never be perfect is only human, but achieving personal goals brings me closer to less mistakes & more happiness! If it means sacrificing things that you really don’t need then so be it especially if they are no good for you. Making attempts to follow the Gracie diet & stick with it is on my list (veg style). I hope & aspire to make this work for great results! Be healthy is to be happy!
I don’t know why anybody would be pissed when it’s the truth. I guess some of us don’t like to have the truth shoved in our faces and realize what our real reality is. I’ve have B.D.M. mostly ally adulthood and now at 27 I’m tryin to correct them. I’ve made bad decisions not only towards my health but to my life and it almost cost me everything. We have demons in our life like I do that in a way that BDM comes to play. I’ll confess mine Im a recovering pill popper and occasionally suffer from depression that I’m still working on, since I’m not allowed to drink pills because of my past abusing history I try to fight it in a different way. BDM has affected me by not. Wring what I eat or have I live my life but slowly I’m correcting it. We all have the ability to fix our selves abd correct our bad decision making. So why get mad when someone calls us out on our issues when the only thing there trying to do if help fix. I’m a fatty and I know I don’t like being called out on my bullshit but at times I do need wake up calls like we all do and all Seam Patrick Flanery is doing is giving us one.
I’m trying, Sean. Most days I succeed.
Again well said It is is what it is. We all have free well and are the authors of our own misfortune.
My coworkers and I were just discussing this very thing the other day.
As a child I watched my mom repeatedly make bad decisions and blame everyone else for them. Even when us kids would get in trouble with others she would make excuses for us. As we grew it became a never ending cycle. Each bad decision led to another and then another and then I looked into the mirror and I didn’t recognize the person standing there. I was Fat, depressed, angry, and still blaming others for my problems. Took a lot to change that person I had become. Events happened and I finally could look at myself in the mirror and say ‘look at what YOU have done to yourself.’ I was no longer saying ‘they’, it was ‘YOU’ and ‘I’ when I looked into the mirror. I reprogrammed my brain and it has made me a better person. Do I relapse? Yes. Do I now see it when I relapse and work towards fixing the problem? HELL YES!
My name is Jenn and I contracted B.D.M. at a young age, but I am changing and improving myself so I can live a longer, happier, and healthier life.
As a teacher, I couldn’t agree more. People want to have children, but not raise them or teach them basic morals or courtesy. They want to spend money like crazy, but not have it in their pocket to spend. People with B.D.M. are eager to blame everyone and everything else in this crazy world rather than OWN their actions. I for one am a huge supporter of this movement and will continue to do my best to encourage our youth to make positive decisions, have accountability, and realize EVERY choice comes with a consequence.
Write on, SPF, tell it like it is!
I can’t believe I’m being sucked in (again).
If you use the internet, where most are getting their news these days, BDM is pervasive, but always has been. We see things within minutes of them happening, as opposed to days or even weeks later and only locally until the early 90’s unless you watched the news regularly.
Ugh, OK here I go – Most kids replicate their parent’s behaviors even if they are in disagreement with them. It is called “learned behavior”. So what happens is BMD gets passed down, and depending on whether or not it’s intervened by someone else, you’re probably looking at decades of even stupider and more ignorant people as it continues to degrade the fiber of their (and ultimately our) lives. Girls who claim they didn’t know they were pregnant having babies in toilets, parent’s using social networks to set up hits on their spouses, every child killer who has someone managed to get away with killing one of their babies and telling the cops it was “kidnapping”, gun crazed massacres on innocent people, the rampant use and continued ignorance of drug abuse (see insurance articles), it’s just like a wave that keeps crashing down over and over.
I’m not trying to be a bi-otch here, but I’m sick if reading/hearing about it. It’s depressing. The world is not pretty, we know that. But showing us the potential in average people to be the next Charlie Manson doesn’t help. I say, don’t have kids if you can’t raise them properly. Unless your INTENTION is to raise a child to be BETTER than anything you ever imagined for yourself – don’t walk around kidding yourself that there is some kind of trendy cachet to having a kid when you are either too young or not equipped financially to take the responsibility. And be military tough – sorry it’s what’s necessary. Yes, kids make mistakes but I speak from personal experience when I say it’s because it is completely based on parental example. It’s the laissez faire “do as i say and not as i do” attitude that’s making BMD a killer. No one wants to be responsible, let alone admit culpability for any of it. If I go anywhere past this point, I will end up saying stuff that might be REALLY offensive so I’m chilling it on that final but salient remark.
And Sean, as much as I may have picked you apart last week, I do agree with you for the most part, your empassioned POV and appreciate your conviction to what YOU believe.
Coco, I teach junior high in a very small district with a very high poverty level. I love my kids to the sky, but when I started working there it was culture shock. I have seen and heard the craziest things from parents. The stories my students write in class break my heart. They do not realize that the crazy crap their parents do is not normal. I had to explain to one girl that drinking light beer will cause intoxication. Her dad told her it wouldn’t so she would get in the car w/ him. I had to explain to another that locking your baby in the restroom while going to a bar was not normal. Her mom did it all the time. Some of them think welfare is a source of income. I’m not trying to be ugly or judgmental. My point is they don’t realize what behavior is unacceptable then they become adults who are clueless. They hear one thing at home and another at school. Who are they more likely to believe? All we can do is try to teach kids to make good decisions. Sometimes we succeed. In the ten years I’ve taught, I’ve already lost two students because they made the wrong decision. Changing someone’s mindset is not easy.
The doxa is like an overruler when and where the parents fail. A child is a trusting learner from birth, a gift and a blessing that brings unmeasurable joy. However, too many undeserving people have the authority to teach dysfunction and all types of abuse as acceptable. There are people in and out that passively observe, which is n inaction that is an action of a careless person. Whatever society says is normal, is acceptable right? It takes an outside force to create positive change, not even poverty is an excuse for anything, that too is a learned way to blame something other than the self for reasoning. Self discipline is the key to give these children for success, let them know that they should have high goals in life and not aim for shit and hit!! Teachers can influence students, stay positive and laugh when it annoys somebody else… Because it is successful at deterring pessimism. A culture accepting abuse and neglect and blaming it in the economy or poverty is not a supportive community, God help it!
Kari, I hope I did not give you the impression that I think poverty excuses bad parenting. I was simply making the observation that there is a cycle of dysfunction that is very difficult to break. I’m fortunate enough to work in a district where most of the teachers are dedicated to preparing our students for adulthood and not just passing a state exam. We love our kids but set our standards high. We want the students to realize there are consequences for their actions. We have butted heads with our administrators about this several times. They tend to make excuses for the students because they “don’t know any better.” If we do not make kids face the consequences for their actions, we are handicapping them.
Another thought, teachers are not the only ones who are capable of influencing a child. Most communities have programs that offer many opportunities for adults to become positive role models for children that desperately need one.
I know all too well about the dysfunction cycle, I had to break it myself. You’re right that anyone can influence a child… I’m a huge supporter of parental supervision when it comes to the mass media, as I see so much directed toward our youth, our future. Children learning from consequences are learning the hard way. They need to learn to STOP and THINK, going over every option and realizing that there ARE options, and then get the results of choosing one option and following through. Trying to teach the young to choose the better path even if harder or not the most popular takes discipline and persistence. Having them graduate with self-discipline and determination is to have succeeded in creating a better tomorrow. We can’t make people be better or make the right choices. We shouldn’t excuse them when they make the wrong ones… That would just add to to mayhem of repeating mistakes and expecting different results! Keep at it and continue to let the administrators know what you think and speak your mind!! One person can make a difference.
Out of curiosity, I read your blog. It wasn’t mean-spirited (or too preachy/accusatory), I’ll give you that.
Funnily enough, I agree with the subject matter, even if I may disagree with the delivery of the message on occasion. You have an opinion and you don’t sugarcoat it, and so it comes off as mean or negative. And that is your prerogative. Just remember that there are people out there that look up to you, and some would even consider your word gospel *snorts derisively*. So, I think you ought to consider the effects your words will cause. Just sayin’.
*smirks* Personally, I don’t mind when you behave like a total ass-hat, because it speaks to my inner Bitch; so it makes me chuckle most of the time. However, there’s a saying about catching flies with honey, as opposed to vinegar. So, which way do you think will better reach your followers…*coughs* sheep *coughs*?
I rather suspect that this comment will catch me some flak. Bring it on. I could use the laughs.
I have mixed feelings about this.
I’m not sure how I could have prevented my daughter from having a mental health disease. Her pain and being an outcast and losing all her friends lead to drug addiction. Prior to the drug addiction we took her to experts and since.. we have had her at every, hospital, rehab, therapist, alternative school, meetings, medicine. We have supported her every step of the way. We did the tough love, like we were told, we do the caring supportive love that comes naturally. No parent wants to see their child in pain. Yes, the pain and guilt (did I do everything I could?..yes I think so, I don’t know..did I?) falls squarely on my shoulders. I feel it’s weight and pain everyday. I have been told to let her fall so hard even, if it means she dies on the streets. So I guess I am guilty of not wanting her to die. How does a parent make that decision? If it’s my fault, I will take full responsibilty for it. If it means I get my daughter back, she stays alive and is healthy..I would do that. At this point I know it’s up to her, she has to want to be sober. I wish I knew what I had done wrong, I would go back and do it right. I don’t know how I could have stopped her from being mentally ill. I love her and won’t stop trying to save her. I guess that’s where I am wrong. Trying to save her is somehow causing more problems. I know people say trying to save her is enabling her. I just want her to live. I wish my love could make her better. I know this has nothing to do with exercise. I wish I knew how I could have prevented this. If it’s my fault that make it a thousand times worse. Thanks for listening.
@pat there’s no way you could have prevented your daugther from becoming a drug addict. I was thought drugs were bad and always vowed never to do it but eventually I made a bad decision just like your daugther did. When people say to you to let your daugther hit rock bottom are wrong I hit rock bottom and I overdosed on pills when I saw how my life wasn’t going where I wanted. Somehow I was saved by some random guy who called 911 and after everything I’m glad my mother was there and is there to help me when I have my tough days. You should always be there and stay by her side thats the only thing you can do is help by getting her help and never leaving her side.
Pat, please don’t beat yourself up. There is nothing you can do about mental illness. You obviously love her and haven’t rejected her. That might not seem like much now, but it is.
I’m on the opposite side. I could write books about the decisions I have made. “Bad” doesn’t even begin to describe it. Mental illness is in my family. My grandmother was affected, my father, my brother, my niece… the list goes on. For us it’s OCD. Which really puts another side on this issue of decision-making. When you have OCD you make bad decisions. Sometimes you make the worst decision possible and without the correct medication, therapy and/or support there’s nothing you can do about it. The weird thing is that you can almost step outside yourself and look in and see that what you’re thinking or doing is ridiculous, but there’s no way to bridge the gap and make the decision and take the action that would put a stop to the bad decisions.
It took almost ten years and I can’t even remember how many therapists, clinics, pills, doctors and other assorted folks I have met over the years. Finally, my mom found a doctor who has been amazing, but I refused to see him for about a year. I knew I should go see him. That’s just how mental illness is. You don’t have control when it’s out of control and without the proper treatment you’re never gonna get it under control, but even with the worst you do have moments of clarity and that’s how I finally did make the decision to see this doctor. He spent close to 5 hours examining me and my medical history and eventually concluded that not only do I have OCD, but I’m bipolar as well. Isn’t that delightful. He has me on Zoloft, Adderall, Anafranil, Xanax and Clonodine daily. And it’s just since I’ve been getting daily and monthly treatment and monitoring that I am finally capable of making wise decisions because the crazy stuff has been turned down. It’s never off and it’s never gonna be off, but you can get to a point where you can override it 99% of the time.
The most important thing is day by day. It’s great to set long term goals, but sometimes it just has to be day by day – even hour by hour or minute by minute. And it sucks. The medication has side effects, eventually the dose you take isn’t enough and it has to be increased and it really can be overwhelming. My dream is to take a cross country trip with my dogs [I have 5, haha – some would call that bad decision making, but I love every single one of them]. But anyway. I have a yorkie mix who is perfect for therapy dog work. She needs her CGC certificate and we can start visiting nursing homes around here, but eventually I want to go cross country and I want to visit nursing homes, hospices, hospitals… anywhere a therapy dog would be welcome. I want to blog the entire thing to raise awareness for several things, really. Most importantly though I want people to know that it is possible to overcome this mess that gets thrown at us and I think everyone needs to know exactly how helpful animals can be. They have saved my life and I know if it helped me, it can help someone else and maybe even prevent others from having to go through all the things I did. And I kinda think that’s what it’s all about. You live and you learn and you pass the knowledge on so others can find their way.
I hope you and your daughter are both doing well. Just don’t give up. My mom never did and eventually she got through to me. I’ll never be able to thank her for everything she’s done for me and I’m sure your daughter feels the same about you deep inside.
Maybe I shouldn’t have posted that.
Pat, I know this will not fix anything … but my thoughts to you and your daughter. May you both find peace and happiness.
Thank you everyone. Thanks for listening. I respect Sean, that’s why I follow here. Thanks.
Pat, you DID ABSOLUTELY RIGHT to post that!!! Seek help where you can get it!! I picked myself up, and barely managed to survive, I have three little girls who could carry all of the ‘hereditary markers’. I WILL take ANY help where I can get it as they grow older and face the world- so should you. My parents could NEVER have saved me- and I fight their lack of love every day, as I look to turn 41. Be there, be ready, help when you can. Listen to people’s advice, but make the choices YOU know are right!!! Trust yourself!! I will be here to support you always, as I think most of these people here would be too!! Keep reaching out!! Don’t give up- ever!!! Blessings to you from me and mine!! Be well!
Pat, Don’t feel that way. I am the kind of person who shuts EVERYTHING in and refuses to ask for help. That is one of the reasons I have been such a failure in turning my life around. Through reading this blog I’ve been forced to think. I’ve reached out to some women who follow Sean and practice what he preaches. I’m slowly building a support network. You have no idea how hard that is for me. I applaud you for sharing something so difficult. Ask for help when you need it. 🙂 don’t give up on yourself or your daughter.
Pat, I think you are brave for putting such a personal piece of your life out there. Never apologize for feeling the need to speak, or in this case type what your struggling with. I have a 16 yr old daughter who is amazing, but has made choices recently that make me very sad. Like cry in the bathroom after the kids are asleep sad. Most of it is normal teenage crap, but I am terrified that it will get worse. I am doing everything I can to help her, but at the same time, I feel I can’t show her the right way, that it will not have as much value if she does not fight the good fight on her own. So I take charge when I have to, because I am her mom, but I also feel the need to let her fall on her face, and when she comes through this and I know she is on her way to better choices, I will proudly stand by her side and be her biggest cheerleader.
I ‘chose’ to cross train, row and run off my lack of sleep & frustration today. Thank you Sean for ‘choosing’ those words to end your blog with. Book me a seat on the Life bus please I hope it’s gonna be a long ride! Helen x
No truer words have ever been spoken. We all have to accept responsibility for the decisions we make in every part of our lives, and have no one to blame but ourselves when things don’t go the way we want them. The part that I love about this blog the most is that you have tied it into EVERY part. It isn’t just about weight & eating habits, it is smoking, drinking, allowing the wrong people in our lives. You have summed it all up. You get no anger on this one, just a nice big thank you 🙂
I have to say, I love your honesty. I believe that you have an astounding point here, and as simple as you put it, it’s not so simple or common. Values do certainly start early on, and they can’t be underestimated. I also wanted to add in a piece about the growth trajectory over time, how our values can go dormant, and how we may not always possess the desire to resist B.D.M. Even through this, though, I believe it is by revisiting our definition of personal values that we can resuscitate our fight against B.D.M.
I had a family with strong values. Saving you the longwinded whiny speech, suffice it to say that while my parents did (and do) love me, we were not a good fit. I hit puberty, and they gave up and pulled out. I whole heartedly believe that they were doing the best they knew how and the best they could, however there was a lack of adaptivity over time that was necessary to maintain that instillation of values and the desire to resist B.D.M. My opinion is that parents have the responsibility to be flexible with their teaching of values, and over time continue to scaffold our children into developing solid values of their own.
Using myself as an example of B.D.M. and dormant values and misplaced values, I began life being taught that curiosity and a desire to learn were valuable and desirable. Where that went wrong for me, was when I became fearless about trying new things and I did not have my “yardstick to reality” in the form of involved parents. I dabbled in drugs and alcohol beginning at 13, and began smoking @ 15. I was a prototypical disaster teenager. I was also sexually assaulted by a “friend” when I was 15. After that, I lost all desire to do the right thing. The relief of not doing the right thing was my status quo. No amount of seeing definitive consequences, like several friends OD and die, inspired me to self-preserve. By the time I was 17, I was snorting heroin, cutting, and dropped out of high school. B.D.M. to the max.
What turned it around for me, was my (now) husband. He and I have been together for 13 years now. We met at the height of my darkness, and he was a light. He became, and will always be, my “yardstick to reality.” Bla, Bla, Bla, sappy stuff. One simple point though. People need a supportive environment to flourish. Abnormal reactions to abnormal circumstances are normal reactions. Yes, it was my fault. Yes, I had a choice. Taking charge can be the most terrifyingly isolating decision if you are floundering in a negative environment. Blaming others is not the answer, obviously. It’s circular logic that absolves you from all personal responsibility.
Acknowledging a poor environment is the first step to taking on personal responsibility. I Aron Ralston’ed my whole life, not just my own arm, once I decided to take on personal responsibility. I began the process of responsibility with an atypical and risky step.
We got pregnant with our oldest daughter when we were very young. Clean, sober, but very young. Part of our environment at that point was family who were very unsupportive. However, WE decided to keep our daughter. Responsibility.
We moved away from our families, and completely turned our back on our “friends.” It was us, and a baby. We did everything you are supposed to do to have a health happy baby. I also was diagnosed with preeclampsia. I gained 72 pounds, of mostly water, over the course of the pregnancy. This was my first profoundly personal lesson in compassion. The looks of scorn and hatred from others while walking around as a pregnant, overweight 18 year old cannot be described. Undue hatred toward those who are struggling with whatever issue, is as useless as blaming others. Friends point out the struggle and offer a hand, foul people point out the struggle and laugh.
Briefly, I chose responsibility, life, self-reliance, passion, and life. I began college when my daughter was 2 months old. We moved to a different state, and I did online courses and raised our daughter while my husband we to college as well. I finished an Associates Degree, then transferred and finished my Bachelor’s with a 3.96 GPA. I majored in psychology, go figure right? I am fascinated by people. How we think, act, and most significantly, how we inter-act.
As I sit writing this, I am also writing my dissertation to finish a Ph.D. in School Psychology. My older daughter is a well-adjusted, happy 10 year old who astounds me daily with her values and determination. Our youngest is well on her way.
Why School Psychology? I guess you could call it my calling, but that’s cheesy as hell and so dismissive of the work involved. I call it my internal values being lived at a very loud volume. I believe I can do some good for kids, and being one of the lucky ones who is a “first responder” in the schools is a privilege I take so very seriously.
Final thoughts, I promise! Sean’s points are brilliant. Take them to heart. Better yet, take them to action. I believe that thinking is life. We determine our own realities. We really do. Believe in cause and effect, not luck and circumstance. What you think about multiplies, and even in essence, is you.
With regard to personal responsibility, we all too often fall for the fundamental attribution error. We believe that our behavior is the result of our circumstances, not our personality. We also give others’ personalities credit for their behavior instead of their circumstances. So, how is this a barrier for us to make progress on ANY goal, not just weight loss? We turn our thoughts against ourselves and believe that we cannot change. If we say “this is the way I am,” or “I’m not the type.” You likely won’t get very far. It’s hard to change who you are, if you define yourself as static and a victim of circumstance.
OUR PERSONALITIES AND ANY BIOLOGICAL DEFICIENCIES ARE NEVER ABSOLUTE BARRIERS TO ANY AND ALL PROGRESS. You may not think you’re a natural, but you can reach goals with WORK. People get tired; take refuge in those who support you. People make mistakes along the way, GET THE FUCK UP.
The beautiful part about our beliefs, if we are flexible thinkers, is that they become our reality. As you meet goals, you see yourself as capable. In turn, you set bigger goals, and meet them too. You don’t see the change in thinking, but it is the most powerful variable in the equation. I’m not a fan of shallow, ridiculously obnoxious catch phrases about change. Be prepared to do the work. But know that it’s done in steps. Be an example of values for all children, not just your own. Do it in whatever way fits you, but do it.
When you are around children, make your actions speak so loudly they won’t be able to hear your words. I’m sure I can come up with more to say… but I’ll knock it the fuck off now. Thanks, to those who finished reading this whole thing. And especially big thanks to Sean for being a man of action, and summarizing those actions here with words.
From one Hitchhiker in this life to another, I second Sean’s message and I have and always will, choose LIFE.
AMEN on all counts!! Keep strong, Blessed be!!
You get from life what you put into it. And yes there are experiences that will affect your life but you can choose to let them hold you back or learn from them and be stronger. I’ve learned a lot lately and I’m gonna work to get stronger everyday. Thank you Sean for sharing your thoughts.
I have been working on my B.D.M.for several years now. First was getting off cocaine (clean for 8yrs) and now it’s making better choices of foods and activities. I used to say Mexicans don’t know fat free, when I should have been claiming that my family and I didn’t know fat free. I try hard to make a tasty yet healthy meal choice now, and if I eat Mexican food, I serve much smaller portions than I had in the past. Life is good and I want to be able to truly enjoy it. I’ve been spreading the word to family and friends alike, need to make beeter choices and take responsibility for your actions and inaction.
I suffer from B.D.M. It’s rampant in my family. It has killed my father and its going to kill my mother. I am a recovering BDMite. I fall if the wagon and begin to fall back into the old habits that put me in the shape I’m in today. However I see my condition and self diagnose it for what it is. I fight BDM everyday but I am slowly winning the fight. My fellow BDMites join Mr. Flanery in his fight for awarness of this epidemic. And let us all become ex-BDMites.
once again, nothing but the truth! We all suffer from BDM, but some of us can own up to it and stop blaming others. Anyone who disagrees or is angered by your posts isn’t one of those people. Keep it coming, you inspire me more with every post!
You won’t hear any excuses from me. And I love how your so proud of yourself.
While I know I still have a couple BDM qualities in my life, I am proud to know that some of the other things I have been doing for years are paying off. I chose several (close to 10) years ago to stop driving. Everywhere I need to get in my city, I can walk to or take the bus. I am eating healthier now than I have before and while I don’t necessarily see it when I look in the mirror, I have been told that I’ve lost weight. Your blog puts a smile on my face and the extra encouragement to get past the other BDM’s in my life. Thank you.
* you’re 😉
BDM–we’ve all done it. Why lie about it. But we also have it in us to change that aspect. Those that truly want to. have. For the changes I’ve made, I have actually saved money by coming off the load of pills I was on for the health issues I had. Even with paying out for kickboxing classes, I still come out ahead. I feel better physically. And the mental rewards are still coming in. I not only have gained confidence in myself, I have also gained a loving, caring family with Creighton MMA. And others notice this change. Some have embraced it. My 7 yr old grand daughter gets right in the middle of my home exercise schedule. While others that know me seem to avoid me at times, I don’t really feel offended by it. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to stop inviting them to take a free class with me. I’m thankful for everything that has led me to where I am. And I look forward to where the future is going to take me. Keep the positive coming, Sean. Those that WANT to make that change won’t sit here and hand you a load of excuses.
I really don’t have much to say that others haven’t already said. Anyone who doesn’t believe that BDM is the source of their health problems is in denial. No one forces anyone else to smoke, drink, eat pie, etc. Those are decisions we make. It’s a hard truth to take as a person who still suffers from BDM. I am trying though.
Dude, you are awesome! Well said.
OOORAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well spoke sir, well spoken. I am a father of three children and and at the age of 36 years old I can say that my life is not a clean slate. I have had my shares of B.D.M over the course of my life. As humans it is trial and error, so to speak, but the majority of it is bad parenting, then you have other categories such as peer pressure and rebellion. My B.D.M was not caused by bad parenting, it was caused by rebellion. Being a teenager and thinking that the world was mine, and socializing with friends at the time that was a bad influence on my life.
I have seen many things over the course of my life, but once I took the initiative to change my life and join the Marines I took control of my mind, body, and soul. My parents raised me with morals, and respect and taught me the lessons that I needed to survive and succeed in life. Over the past decades I have seen this slowly fade away in our society. If you stop and take a deep breath and look around you will see it as well. My children are my life and I have offered every bit of guidance that I have to install the same core fundamentals and values that I received as a child from my parents for them. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world, and since it does not come with an instruction booklet you are going to make mistakes. Now with that being said keep in mind that children are impressionable they look up to you as a role model and want to follow in your footsteps. (How many of you have children and see them playing dress up and automatically jump in your work boots and say I am going to work?)
Start young, teach them the things that they need in life. Pay attention to your child, they are impressionable. Watch your language around the children (a curse word is funny to them because it provokes a reaction.) Our society will corrupt our younger generations in the blink of an eye. This is why as parents, we must step in and intervene and not allow this to happen.
Alcohol, and smoking are more factors, that can be a sensitive topic for some. You have to be honest with your children especially teenagers, about this subject. Now if your sitting back and saying that your teenager is going to blow off this topic and ignore you when you talk about it then ask yourself, if you had started installing and teaching these core values at an earlier age would they have listened. YES they would have because they respect you and your words of wisdom and have 100% trust in what you say.
It is never to late to start teaching, and once you begin the lessons you may actually find some that will benefit yourself as well.
Inspiration and a drive to better yourself doesn’t come from tip-toeing around a subject as serious as this, and it’s because of your approach to this topic, among others, that I respect and admire you as much as I do. So thank you for making people grumpy by telling them the truth, because hopefully it’ll make us all better people in the long run.
I grew up in a family of smokers, drinkers and sadly my mom did drugs when I was young (for her own personal reasons) My mom quit smoking in 91′ and hasn’t smoked since, same with any drugs. However I at almost 30 years old have -never- smoked at all. I have never done a drug of any kind that wasn’t prescribed to me. I did drink for a short period but haven’t had a drop going on 6 years. Smoking killed my gramma, bad health choices, killed my grandfather who was so diabetic when he died, he just didn’t care anymore. My mom has bad health problems, and I see what they did and decided to not be a victim of my genetics. I grew up in an abusive home through my teenage years but never gave into any pressures, i seen what it did to people. To this day I really haven’t made any bad decisions, I’ve done a few things I’ve made myself facepalm over but nothing that has directly effected my life in a negative manner. I honestly feel like my mom put enough into me so I wouldn’t become a victim of the BDM. Hell I waited 10 years to get married (most everyone I know got married at 18/19) And I still haven’t had kids. I’m too busy getting this adult thing under control and dont feel responsible enough yet to bring a kid into the world. Plus i’ve only been married a year, I want at least another year before we reproduce. So while I dont feel a direct victim of BDM I think I need to act a bit more and talk a bit less about my acts. I really do thank my mom for her instilling great values in me, I dont think I’d be the woman I am today without her. Or my grandmother who gave me the best saying ‘you attract more bees with honey, then you do vinegar’ My mother always told me to live my life how Im happiest and if Im not longer happy then to just change it. But I can truthfully look at myself in the mirror and tell myself Im living my life in a good way, and if I see something I dont like I make a change and get it back on course. But now I ramble.. I think I need to improve that.
Sean I agree with most of what you say though I don’t believe you can prevent cancer by actions alone. My sister, Kelly, died of breast cancer at 36 years old. She never smoked. exercised and ate healthy. She breast feed four children, which is said to reduce the risk. She is the only known person to have breast cancer in our family. I believe you can lower the risk of many diseases but the blueprint is in your DNA. I take responsiblity for my actions and feel I should be as respected as someone who walks a different path. I will never force anyone to live as I do and take every precaution to avoid smoking around anyone who doesn’t. I am changing my behavor, starting with my meals and excercise. Maybe one day I will be a non-smoker until then “It is my fault”
That’s why I said “largely (not solely)” caused by…
I agree… But only 99%. My grandfather grew up poor in India. He is vegetarian and was found to have diabetes. In his 60’s he was diagnosed with cancer. My pop never smoked or did drugs or drank alcohol. His diet is nothing but healthy and non-processed. He is currently 77 years old and still exercises. Its for the small amount of people like him that i only back you 99% on BDM.
That’s why I said “vast majority” and not “all”. God bless your grandfather.
Very exhilarating and blunt… although some may view it as “insensitive”, I view it as necessary. The truth often does hurt, and in order for something to make an impact – it has to be felt emotionally. I think you are spot on my friend! Thank you for sharing!
Nothing to hate in this blog, Sean. 😀 You rock!! B.D.M is deadly. I was on the B.D.M train and it definitely was something I learned to an extent from family. I take full blame though, I was a dumbass little shit. I started smoking cigarettes at 10 years old, drinking and smoking pot at 13 ,and I did it all until I was 23 when my nephews turned 4 and I decided that I wanted to live long enough to see them as adults and that I did not want them to grow up looking up to me when I was pretty much a piece of shit. I decided I didn’t want to end up dying at a young age from something that could have been prevented. It is possible that those 13years of stupidity will still come and bite me in the ass health wise, but for now I am healthy, off the B.D.M train for 6 years and my 10 year old nephews aren’t making the same idiotic mistakes I did. When they are old enough I will tell them and give them even more reason to make smart decisions, but for now they have a healthy role model in their favorite Aunt. And, unlike me at 10 years old, they will hopefully never have a chance to even touch a cigarette. I CHOSE HEALTH!! I CHOSE RESPONSIBILITY!!! AND I CHOSE TO LIVE!!! For both myself and for those wonderful little dudes. 😀
Very well said parents do need to start teaching and showing their children more responsibility and how to make better decisions although I also have to say that every once in awhile we must fall to BDM so that we can learn from thoughts bad decisions and better are self. Learn from the past don’t repeat it 🙂
I love this classic SPF blog. I loved it when I first read it months ago and I still love it today. You call it The Responsibility Revolution for a reason. It’s not a new concept, it’s old school, but just as true today as yesteryear. Take responsibility for yourself, for your actions and decisions (good and bad) and quit with the blame game….the devil didn’t make you do it…you did it yourself. Responsibility, folks.
No hating here, Sean. This is as true now as the first time you posted it.
I hear what you’re saying and I’m in agreement with all of this, but this got me thinking. Where is the intersection between BDM and enjoying life? Now, of course, there are things that are clearly bad decisions (smoking, large quantities of fast food, etc.) and I’m not talking about those, but more about the smaller choices. For instance, tonight while running errands after a long day, I chose to get a latte, which is a bad decision in terms of weight management, but the mental acuity and de-stressing I got led me to be in a better mental state of mind in order to handle the rest of tasks that I needed to complete. If we always choose the right decisions, then where is the mess and chaos that makes life, life? I’m not saying to use bad decisions as an excuse for living life to the fullest, but what’s the ideal percentage of good to bad decisions?
So I get the picture now, it is the result of B.D.M. The black eye was preventable had a better choice been made, but obviously that was a lesson learned the hard way. A smart person would look at that and think that they would not want to repeat that persons mistake and choose to do something to avoid the disgraceful looking black eye, like move out of the way! It sucks to learn in hard knox because it directly affects the person. Even if all you learn is to expect the unexpected you will still have learned something.
I got to touch two sets of lungs from two different corps, one was a smoker, the other non. The non-smokers lungs were solid and healthy, the smokers lungs were turning yellow and very squishy… Recognizably unhealthy.
BDM. Learn from it, change it or live and die with it. Be responsible. 🙂
Its hot and humid as hell here in the Far North Queensland tropics in Australia at the moment (typical summer really), so its hard to do much of anything, to combat this I created a summer meal plan which makes me eating much healthier food far more often and switched to toning exercises which don’t burn as many calories but still do some good.
So that was my excuse, and my solution.
I see absolutely nothing to hate in this blog. It’s simply the truth. I am so very thankful for my parents, for even though we had very little money, they instilled in my sisters & I to be responsible, respectful people who didn’t have to do what everyone was doing. Now, I’m not saying that we never do anything stupid, we are human afterall. 🙂
Watching my dad smoke my whole life, and having alcoholic relatives I think really made it easier for me to not start doing those things. I will have a drink every great once in a while, but I never wanted a cigarette (or pot for that matter).
Bad eating habits are what I’m trying to fix. And it’s hard, but I’ll make no excuses for backsliding. I just have to make up my mind that I’m going to do it.
So thanks, Sean, for a place where we can come and get a kick in the pants, but also get some moral support to make the changes we need to make.
My mom had cancer too. She was a lifelong smoker and died of lung cancer when she was 71 years old. I know that’s a long time but I often wonder how much longer she would have lived had she quit smoking when she was younger. Long before she died, I made a GOOD decision to quit smoking. My daughter, Tracey, was about 2 years old and I wanted to know her as an adult someday. Now, I don’t know if that is the reason I’m sill here but my daughter is grown and I’m alive and healthy. Besides being mother and daughter we’re also best friends. We do a lot together, in fact, that’s how we met you, Sean. About a year ago, she talked me into going to a horror festival in Kentucky (we’ve always been big horror movie fans) and met and talked to you.We met you again about a month ago at the Ohio comic.con in Columbus, Ohio.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I just wanted to talk about one of the best decisions I ever made. I think it’s great what you are doing, even if you get a few people mad. There’s a lot of people who will listen and hopefully start making good decisions.
Oh yeah, I got a bonus in my life. A beautiful, 2 year old grandson that I’m so proud of and I plan on watching him grow into adulthood too.
Ever since I read this I ask myself several times throughout the day is this B.D.M? Today I was going to drive to my mom’s house for a visit; she lives two blocks away. Instead of driving I walked my dog over to her house and then took the long way home. One good choice for me and my dog.
How cool it is that your mom is working with you at HBJJ!!! The sweetness of it melts my heart!
“I’m not waiting for someone to save me. I’ll save myself.” I love it! I’m trying to maintain this same attitude about many things in my life. But BDM is difficult (not impossible) to overcome when a decision seems good at the time and only turns into a bad one later down the road. In some cases, it’s too late to prevent the bad effects when the causes have already taken place.
This is so true. When you’re young you think differently. You don’t worry about the years to come because it’s so far away. Because of my early BDM’s, it looks like I will be saving myself the rest of my life.
So obvious and so true. It’s ultimately about choices we make. Like you, my mother was also a smoker of 40 years. Unfortunately, even after a double mastectomy at 45, 2 strokes at 55, and her breast cancer returning at 64 – she never quit those fucking smokes. She’s been gone from this earth for almost 2 years know, and is missed by us dearly – but even till the very end, she knew it was her choice in decisions that got her to where she was. Why she didn’t think her life was worth extending, I don’t know. I will say Sean that I am happy your mom is still with you, and I hope you give her a hug at every chance you can.
Well done, Sean. We all face the BDM on a daily basis – it does not have to be anything “huge” – eating some extra snack, leaving things on our daily TBD list, etc. The magic is to realize it and to do the right thing time over time. And to pass it on to the children. To the family. To friends. To anyone who is willing (or maybe not) to hear. I love what you are trying to do. Please go on.
God I love you. I love your honesty, your sense, your reasoning, and especially the fact that you’re not spouting empty platitudes. I suffer from depression and anxiety. and for so long would just spend days staring at walls and feeling all ‘woe is me’. Then I got off my arse and went back to ballet after a ten year gap (I suck but who cares!), took up BJJ (Damn you Flannery! I bloody love it!) and force myself to leave the house. I’m not going to say I’m cured or that I walk around with a big grin on my face, the depression is still there, but I don’t feel quite as bad.
Plus I’ma Vegan and we have super powers! I used to always feel ill, have no energy, lathargic etc etc, went Vegan, all cured! Love it! Also, anyone reading this, please consider joining the organ donor register and giving blood. I gave blood for the first time last week and am immensely proud of myself (I’m a complete wuss usually) If you are able to give, it’s a nice thing to do and you can save lives!
What’s great about this blog is that its not always Sean that will inspire you. People need to hear these stories to realize what they have going on really isn’t that bad. No one is perfect we all have things we wish we could have done different do to our BDM. Question is do you want to continue or learn and move forward?
I cannot agree with this post enough, I swear I feel nothing but appreciation reading this, knowing that you Sean who what you’re talking about and stating the honest to gods truth. I know you mean well in everything you do and I know that in MYS case a little bit of tough love and hard words pushed me into changing my life. Its been so very hard and I wont lie, I’ve had slip ups, BUT everyday I keep retrying and I keep going…this year I can FINALLY fit into my black slim fit pea coat for winter. Lost over 60 pounds and I’m still going, its going to take awhile, but everyday i have hope in happier and better moments and dreams that I’m GOING to make come true…very soon 🙂 I CANNOT live this way anymore.
This post reminds me a great deal of a book called “She’s Come Undone” by Wally Lamb. It shows the life of a woman who blamed her parents for her being fat, depressed, etc. but in the end she comes to take responsibility for her own actions. If anyone wants to be inspired I recommend it. And yes, it was one of Oprah’s Book Club but don’t judge :-P.
Hey it’s me from Twitter. Let me start off by saying I’m a fan of yours, love boondock saints (^_^) …
My name is Amy I’m a single mom of two beautiful little girls. Right before I got pregnant with my first daughter I got down to a pant size 13, which was a big deal for me seeing as before that I was wearing a 24. Of course I had my daughter and before I knew it I was back up to 24. Eventually I lost the weight again but 6 months ago I had my 2nd babygirl and yes I’m back up to a 24. Right now I’m at a bit of a depression stage, I left Arizona which was my home of 7 years but after leaving my ex of 4 years I endeed up having to stay in a homeless shelter and that was something I never thought would happen to me. I’m back in Texas now, my home state. . I dreaded coming back here only because my family had suffered from BDM for as long as I can remember drugs, alcohol, smoking, you get it. I can’t talk though because when I did lose weight I went about it the wrong way, not eating, help from a certain white drug, just total BDM I weigh now close to 300 lbs and my goal for now is to lose half of that. What would be the right way to lose it ? How would I lose it? I’m sick of being a fattie. My mom has been diagnosed with diabetes and she’s not even fat!? So that’s scary and of course I gotta take better care of myself. I just need your advice on what to do and where to start. I’m making sure my girls eat healthy too, my 3 year old love’s veggies. Her favorite is edemame (^_^) and she is very active she could live at the park and never slow down and she walks every where and as far as I do like a trooper so I’m glad at how active she is. Well any advice or help you can throw my way is much appreciated. I love what you do and all your movies AND wad side stoked to see you on Y&R your the person I got hooked on it lol
Consult a physician and reduce you caloric intake accordingly. Cut out non-beneficial foods and start off exercising by pulling your 3 year old around the block in a wagon. You can buy a good wagon on ebay for relatively cheap. If you can’t afford one, send me your address and I’ll have one sent to you. Start by walking briskly, until that is easy… then faster etc. I’m telling you now that it will suck, but if you don’t RESOLVE to get healthy, you will welcome type 2 diabetes into your life. Just make the decision, and commit to it. There is no greater gift you can give your children that being around a bit longer to love and guide them. In hindsight, you will LAUGH at the small price you will have had to pay for the way you will feel when you get healthy. It will change absolutely every aspect of your life. Your smile will change, your carriage will change, your outlook will change, your opportunities will change, and absolutely everything in life will be easier. Everything. -Sean
I applaud you SPF!!! Those 6 words : “I’ll have one sent to you” bought tears to my eyes, don;t know why, they just touched me. I appreciate you for the time you give and the straight forward way you put it out there!!!!. ❣❤(✿◠‿◠) ★ ° ☾ ☆♥ Peace & Blessings★ ° ☾ ☆♥
Suzanne, ditto. Sob fest. Sean has to be the nicest person I know of. Not only is he recognised for his super-amazing talent, but also his heart of gold. He is literally: A Saint.
Jumpin’ on this train, Sean. I was raised in a home with wonderful values and I’m always asking myself what my mother would do in a situation like this, would the decision I’m making effect the integrity of not only myself, but my family as well. Our bad decision making not only effects us, but everyone around us…although the responsibility IS all ours.
Once again, thank you for speaking truthfully and never letting people’s opinions effect the honesty you write here. It’s nice to know I’ll always find the truth here at least.
Grocery shopping this week was more enjoyable than expected…and I spent 95% of the time in the produce section. I went up and down each and every isle determined to get as many SUPER foods as possible.
I’ve been juicing 4 days now and I’m feeling great. I even have my mother juicing with me. I have more energy, don’t feel hungry and I consume smaller portions with less carbs in my meals. I really like baby spinach, kale, apple juice, low fat vanilla yogurt and ice blended together. Any favorite recipes you care to share?
Doctor said I have to wait until 2nd week of December before I can even think about going back to T.K.D. It’s a bummer. In the interim, I am doing stretches doctor gave me for PT as well as utilizing my inversion table to work my core. I have begun to see positive changes in my posture and balance since seeing the Podiatrist.
Sean, thank you for making the world around us, all that much better
I have alot of relatives that suffer from BDM & it shows in their appearance & health. Because of me witnessing this first hand with those I love I don’t want to let this happen to me. & some of these choices they make are really really bad ones. I’ve learned that I never want that for myself or part of my future. It’s a huge eye opener for me.
I have been trying for a while to help my son lose weight. I always told him, “you don’t want to be like me.” I was not getting any where with that approach. I decided to set a better example for him, so I started exercising and eating right. Last week I lost 11 lbs! My son has started to cut back on what he eats and is going to the track with me. I’m so proud of him. Thanks for providing the motivation.
BDM isn’t even big decisions. It’s a multitude of small ones made every day. We all have a choice in what we put into our bodies, what we take out, and what we do and don’t do. I do it every day. I drive past dozens of fast food chains on my way home every day, but I just keep picturing that avocado waiting for me at home and force myself not to give into flashy lights and advertisements. It’s choking down half a gallon of water at work rather than the dreaded soda. It’s walking up and down the stairs a few times, or doing wall sits while watching tv instead of sitting on the couch. I tore my ACL, my Meniscus, and fractured my femur and pelvis when I came off a horse last year, and I have still managed to make the right decisions and keep maintaining my body so that I don’t need surgery. What I hate the most is listening to people’s excuses about why they’re fat and miserable, while they sneer and look me up and down and automatically hate me because I’m six feet tall, athletic, and honestly look like they wish they looked. If you want it, do it or shut up about your excuses.
I am a former drug addict. I am still overweight……I am really tired of beating myself up over my past. What happened in the past is there for a reason. I just wish I could leave it there and be happy of how far I have come. It wasn’t my parents fault this happened to me….I take full responsibility. I still live at home because of my debt. I just want to be a better person. I still have my days…..I am trying. <3
Don’t beat yourself up. I have recently discovered a great way to shape up. When I was little I took ballet lessons every week. Down in the garage I had an old portable ballet bar so I brought it upstairs, washed it and set it up. Ballet bored me really quickly so I started using the bar as a prop – like a rail you’d have in a club. Turn on music… as loud as you can stand it and just dance. Don’t think about anything else. Pop on Lady Gaga [Edge of Glory is amazingly motivational] or Adam Lambert [If I Had You is awesome. Pretend you’re in the video where they’re all partying in the woods] or just about anything from the 80s [I love old, classic Motley Crue like Wild Side and Girls, Girls, Girls… haha, pretend you’re in that video!]. And you don’t have to wear workout clothes. Wear whatever you want. Do your hair, put some crazy make-up on and just lose yourself in it. I promise it’s pretty awesome.
This was a very encouraging read for me… I just quit smoking a week tomorrow, I have been smoking for the last 30+ years…Now I have to get the weight off and that one is harder for me then quitting smoking…I will be re-reading this blog and others for more inspiration…Lord knows I need it… Thanks!
Thanks so much Sean! I had been needing a good kick in the ass to see me thru the rest of the holiday season without falling off of the wagon. I’m still working hard at living healthier and your inspiration really helps!
Another great and straight forward blog here, Sean. It is nice to have someone put out a blog like this and get such a great response in the comments. This one in particular has made me decide to get back into shape and take more responsibility for my own health, for the sake of my family, not just myself. Keep up the good work and May it be Well with You.
Wow, this was a great post! My mother recently passed 3 weeks before her 66th bday. I was dealing with some anger because she simply did not take care of herself. She talked about getting her health on track, but that’s all it was-talk. She passed after a second stroke, 1 1/2 years after the first one. I begged, used her grandchild as guilt, but nothing worked to motivate her to make changes. But this is a lesson for myself because I need to make some life style changes. How dare I not properly take care of myself when I’m a mother. How dare I.
Wow. I actually nearly cried. I was tearing up the whole way through because I’ve recently suffered a bad case of B.D.M. I attend college every day, like school days, and just recently the pressure has been immense. So I stopped going because I “Couldn’t be bothered” and I was “Going to fail anyway”. It sounds ridiculous but reading this has made me see that I’m being stupid and the instant relief of not having to do hard work is not worth a lifetime of regret. Thank you so, so much, Sean. I’m sure I speak on behalf of all your fans when I say: We love you! 😀
Thanks for sharing Sean. I’ve tried to instill these values in my students for decades. Hopefully the worls will listen to you. I wonder if you remember being in my class when you were 11 or 12? I’d hope that I instilled a bit of this belief in you back then. Let me know ! Tom Grubbs
What class, and what school did we share?
Aww I love what you write Sean… Your words are always so sincere!
It is true that many times in our lives suffer of BDM but also is part of our growth, no? If we never make mistakes we will not able to recognize it to choose well.
I always say that everything depends on you and the effort that you put in, I for example, have smoked many years of my life and 5 years ago I decided to quit. Just for me 🙂
I’m still working hard at living healthier but reading your blog helps a lot
Kisses from Argentina xxx
I admit here that I suffer from BDM & do take full responsibility for my life & choices. I am ready to learn how to stop! I want to save myself, NOT be saved!!!
That deserves a big… HOLLER!!
I didn’t really know where to post this, since it’s more about twitter/facebook comments, but also comments on this blog, so I decided to just post my opinion on here. A couple of warnings first: I am German, so there’s some mistakes, I tend to lose the plot in my rants, and I might repeat a couple of things, and most of all: it is some superduper long rant. So apologies for all that.
All those people on twitter acting like they’re real surprised and disappointed that Sean can be a real asshole. How can you think that everything the man says has to be true? Some of it doesn’t -have- to be true. And just cos you disaggree it doesn’t mean you have to change his views on all that stuff. It’s not like you can anyhoo. We all know that he is a bit douchy (no offense Sean, I like that a lot! And I will keep using that word more than once!) and that he thinks all his views and opinions are supertrue and perf and that he’s the boss. But jaysus, take it easy. I mean I get that it upsets some people and hurts some people’s feelings, but really. He just speaks out what he truely believes in, and he doesn’t give a fuck about anyone’s feelings and most of all, opinions and facts that don’t match his own beliefs. And that is perfectly fine and right.
That would make him a douchebag, and he certainly is one, but then you also have to take the positive aspects. He obviously wants to help people, he talks to his followers and shares his thoughts and ideas and pictures and advice and god knows what. He certainly isn’t some superduper famous celebrity, but not many celebs do that. And he always thanks people after a convention session, he is truelly thankful and down to earth and freakishly direct. Some of his followers and comment posters on his blog look like they just need some more self esteem and distance?
Like, seriously. I am ugly, I am not woman-like, the type of woman most dudes like (make up, pretty clothes and all that), it is not exactly like guys are running after me and want to be my boyfriends and want to fuck me, and I -know- it’s because I’m not superduper pretty. But heyho. It’s a fact. Looks always matter. Just like one chick said, looks attract, but then you have to do something (with your character/attitude) to make the attraction last. He is the perfect example! The man is gorgeous, but his looks certainly won’t keep people on his profile forever if he is a douche to them. So why make it a big deal, call him narcassistic and selfabsorbed, that he would never be with a woman that wasn’t attractive?
Well of course he is like that! And why is that a bad thing? He is just doing what makes him feel comfortable and good. The world ain’t about charity. You always matter more than others at first. It’s healthy. Why is it always wrong when you are attractive and you know you are attractive and you like your own face/body because of that? Are we seriously ought to hate ourselves/our bodies/ are we seriously supposed to ignore our own appearance?
And I know that it hurts people’s feelings when he calls some fat, but some people, certainly not all of them, are really just fat because of the wrong food and not enough sports, wrong decisions. My examples: My two best friends. My little cousin (9 years old). His flaw is that he doesn’t really acknowledge real illnesses, but hey, nobody is perfect. Yes, he is stubborn, douchy, mean and a little bit “uninformed” in that regard (just an assumption here, doesn’t have to be true, I don’t know him personally after all), but that doesn’t mean he is a bad person. He has admitted in several interviews that he has made some mistakes in his life, so he himself knows that he ain’t perfect.
Why does he call people fat? Not because he wants to hurt your feelings, no, because he is so foolish that he thinks he can actually do something about it. The hardcore way, maybe the wrong way, but he is trying. How many celebrities got a blog/twitter open for comments where people can post their progress, their worries, their asks for help, how many actors retweet pictures of your progress to give you some shitty “positive” feedback? And I do not know of any incident where Sean called a fan “fat” when he was face to face with single individuals. If there has been something like that, feel free to correct me. And I also recall seing quite an amount of photographs of Sean with “fat” people. ( I am not insulting anyone, I am just so rude to generalize here for a moment, I do not know those people’s problems, I do not think they are ugly or whatever, and I absolutely do not care about their weight, but I am trying to make a point here) If he really was that much of an asshole that “hated” fatties then why should he even take pictures with those people? Why should he talk to them? Why should he not make his “disgust” vocal, laugh at them, stroke his own face and say “I am so much better looking than you, my body is so perf, yours isn’t , haha, loser”? Answer: because he isn’t that sort of a bully.
Most people who bully “fat” people do it because it’s fun, because society tells them to hate on that kind of people, because they want to hurt other peoples feelings so they can feel powerful and great. And I get the impression that Sean isn’t like that. He just wants to “help” people live healthier lives.
I don’t think Sean might not want to understand illnesses that cause corpulency, because then his whole “the world/rules/causes are simple” logic wouldn’t work anymore. But then again you have to remember that he is a sportsperson, not a Doctor. He’s certainly not one of the “modern” people, he has got some old/traditional values that won’t allow him to be that kind of open in that regard. But that doesn’t mean that just because Sean Patrick Flanery said you are lying about your illness and just making excuses, the whole world says the same thing about you.
The world is stupid and stubborn! So am I, so is he, so is practically everyone! You won’t change that, no matter how many times you yell at them and insult them and call them names just like they call you names. Why not take it easy? Save your energy to fight your illness, not to fight a stupid comment/words on the internet. Do not be upset because someone accuses you of shit! Do it like him. Stick to your own believes and views, take it with a headshake and a snort and a “yeah yeah, Flanery, whatever”. But at the same time, do not hide behind your illness all the time, do not take it as “excuse” not to work on the problem itself. If your working on the problem and try your best, then why be upset? If the problem can’t be solved yet, why make it that big a deal?
And it pisses me off when people say “I eat so much and I live such an unhealthy life because I keep getting rejected/got a low self esteem/people laugh at me/I got depression/an abusive family”. What is Flanery trying to teach you all the time? Kick life in the balls. Those kind of problems won’t solve themselves, no Flanery comment and no other person will make it better, not even a specialist. I have learned that those are the kind of problems you need to solve yourself. With will power/determination/and nothing more. Abusive relationship? Fucking get divorced and leave him. Yes I know, it is super expensive, but you love him, but he loves you. Fuck this bullshit. Your own health and body is more important that your money/his problems. My mother did it. She ain’t got a shit for a penny, but she is happy, no more abuse, she lives in peace. End of story. You gotta be cruel there. You gotta be egoistic there. There is always a way to save yourself, no matter how hard/expensive/impossible it is. Saying “I am depressed”, that it is an illness all the time won’t get you out of everything forever. It will just make the depression worse. It will make the side effects worse. I got depression for over five years. I’ve been to hospital. I cut myself like a motherfucker. I took a shitton of pills. My side effects were that I didn’t gain weight, I lost a lot of weight because I didn’t eat much/still don’t eat much. My other illness, Alopecia areata, came back. My father was an abusive drunk and nearly killed my mother with a bottle and a box cutter. My cousin sexually abused me.
Five years I was taking my depression as excuse for me to stop going to school, to stop playing drums/going to band rehearsals/to stop having to look for a job/to stop getting out of bed/to stop eating/to stop sleeping. I’ve got a couple of illnesses. Was my excuse. All the time. Because I wanted to be treated nicely by other people. If other people laughed at me because of all the holes in my hair or boys rejected me because of my looks and whenever people said things like “you’re so pale, how about you sit in the sun for once, albino” or “if you ate more then your hair would come back” “if you did more for your body then boys would come and love you” then I would always hide in a corner and cry, hate myself, blame my low selfesteem and selfhatred and depression for the way I look. Punchline? Of course it was the illness! But it was my turn to do something about it!
So what was -I- supposed to do? Ugh, depression is hard, it probably won’t ever go away, it is so exhausting to battle it, blablabla. I couldn’t sleep alone in my bed with lights on until I was 18 years old. Whatever kinda phobia that was. But I -did- it the hard way in the end. I forced myself to eat, no matter if I wasn’t hungry. I kicked my mother out and said she was no longer allowed to sleep in my bed because I needed to get shit done. I stopped cutting myself. WHenever a down hit me I let the emotions out and let it pass, but in my head I managed to keep a distance and managed to make myself think whenever it happened “Susan, you are not feeling good now. You know you are overreacting because you are superstressed, things are really not that bad, keep going keep going keep going, write it down, but do not cry, do not bother others and stop destroying your relationships with your annoying whiny talk all the time, no matter how dramatic you make it look in your superlong text posts, people won’t help you, can’t help you, you have to manage this yourself.” And it worked! My downs aren’t so bad anymore, they don’t come back every day but every couple of weeks.
You have to take one problem at a time. My first one was night phobia, second one was ups and downs, now I need to get rid of the fucked up sleeping schedule. I bought more fruits and vegetables and ate less white bread and fast food ( I don’t even eat pizza, I now hate McDonalds, I don’t eat many kebabs anymore because I don’t like them anymore..), all I ever drink is water and juice. I stopped drinking coffee, I hardly ever drink alcohol and if I do I only drink some beer, I do not smoke, never have, never will because seriously. How pointless is that? You suck on a stick and blow out some smoke. Wow. How cool. How entertaining. How stupid? And I really gotta say that I owe Flanery part of my sudden interest in “healthier” food. Punchline: my hairloss is still there, worse than ever. My blood samples have been fine so far, same goes with my skin and immune system. It looks like doctors don’t really know what is causing this illness, and they don’t really know a cure for it. So yeah, I’ve got an illness. Everyone can see it. It makes me look ugly, because I cannot dye my hair and because I cannot cut it. My head hurts because the skin is angry as fuck, I get injections in my head, and it hurts hurts hurts. And what do some people think? “Wow, someone seriously fucked you up during a party, didn’t they? What did they do, shave your head when you were asleep?”.
Of course it makes you sad and you feel insulted when people make assumptions and think that your illness is not an illness but your own fault because of your own wrong doing. Of course it makes you sad and you feel insulted when society doesn’t want you because they think you are “ugly” and “freaky” because of your illness. But that doesn’t make people bad. The others are privileged and uninformed/too lazy to inform themselves properly. Just like I am too lazy to inform myself about illnesses that cause corpulence. Of course people are dicks because attractivness matters. Some people really do not care about looks but character. Good for them. I don’t. I am honest, even I do not find corpulence attractive and I would never date a big guy with an unhealthy weight. Of course it makes me cringe and makes me think bad things about those people! And I am honest about that! Does that make me a dick? Because I, just like Sean, choose not to lie to myself and stay true to my beliefs and preferences? Just like Sean said. Looks do count. No matter if you are a man or a woman. What sort of body shape/type you count as “ugly” or “hot” can be defined however you want. And just because I think you look “ugly” because you are “fat”, it doesn’t mean that I doesn’t like you as a person, doesn’t appreciate you as a human being, do not want that only great things happen to you. It is just the way my brain works, and I cannot switch that off and won’t switch that off. And just like Sean I would love to help you get rid of all that “fat”. For one because it makes me appreciate your body more and will stop me from thinking that way, because I am a selfish look orientated douchebag, but also because I seriously just want what’s best for you/healthy for you.
Hell, even I know that my unhealthy hair makes me look ugly. Illness or not. I feel ashamed of it because I look like a half plucked goose. I know you cannot compare hair loss with a weight illnesses, simply because my illness is not dangerous for my body/doesn’t change shit and there aren’t any physical problems. But in the end I just want to compare it to this. Illness makes you ugly, because what kind of being would like to have offsprings with a “faulty” parent? It’s natural selection. Just like all those pretty male birds get picked by who makes the pretties dance has the pretties feathers. Nothing more. But we are human beings. We kinda understand the mechanics. We do know how people work. So do not judge them for how they work and how foolish they are. Do not break and cry and be insulted and mad and don’t start a fight because someone doesn’t agree with your views/doesn’t understand something. Do not hide behind illnesses and excuses. You either fight your illness and get healthy and “prettier”, or you cannot fight your illness because it can’t be fought, so do the next best thing. Accept it as part of your life. “Wear” it with pride. Say “this is me, I am ill” and tell the others to suck it if they don’t find it attractive. Be proud that you fight a harder battle than them, that you are probably stronger than them, simply because of your illness. Because bad things will always make you stronger/teach you something about yourself.
And I think this is what Sean is trying to teach you. Maybe with the wrong words, maybe with the wrong attitude. When he says “just excuses” and “try harder” or “looks matter to men/are important” then it doesn’t mean he thinks you are weak, stupid, or ugly. He does it to outrage you and make you try harder, because he believes you -can- do it. And when he calls people that say they’d rather have someone who takes them how they are, no matter how “fat” or “ill” they are “liars”, then I think he doesn’t do it because he thinks that only the “pretty” and “thin” can win, but I think he does it to make you understand that only the “healthy” and “normal” people can win, that people who try harder deserve more. Because I think he seriously got a point. What matters is that you got to draw a line between faking to be someone “better” to fit society’s rules, and improving to become a better version of yourself. And most people mistake him for the first part because of his attitude and choice of words.
At least I think that way. If you -can- lose weight through super hard work and you -know- you can lose weight through super hard work (and most of the time you always know the truth), then you should definitively try it. When you know that stuff and can do that stuff but choose to say “I’d rather have someone who takes me for who I am, not what I look like” then you are lying. To yourself, to others, just to cover up your own laziness. When you seriously -can’t- lose weight because of some illness no matter how hard you try (and by hard I mean the hardest of hard, not through shitloads of money, but hard training and diet and god knows what and it still won’t work), then you -aren’t- a liar and of course you deserve someone who takes you for who you are, not what you look like. Just like I said before, then you go out there with your illness and show everyone and kick everyone in the balls and be awesome.
But if you can improve your health and way of living and weight then you should always try to do that first before saying “no, take me the way I am, with my flaws”. Because this isn’t primary about your looks and this isn’t primary about you impressing any man/woman with your body and all that. It is about your health and your shape, you feeling better and you gaining energy and being full of life. And that automatically makes you look good and attractive, no matter if you got just one arm or no hair or bow legs or if you’re squint eyed or stupid or gorgeous by nature. When you feel good and you live a healthy life and if you really adore your own body and like it for the way it is (in good shape, as good as your own body can be, shapes are different after all), then your whole body conveys that and shines with prettiness and content. And I think Sean actually managed that. When you look at him. He is confident, noisy, douchy, he likes his own body, his muscles, he likes to post pictures of himself. And he has every right to do that. And he wants to share his “secret recipe” for his own douchyness and “narcissism” so everyone can feel like him. Better and prettier and healthier.
People keep complaining on his twitter and blog how he is just trying to force what “society wants and thinks is pretty and acceptable” onto other people, how he “bullies” people who do not look like him and aren’t “perfect” and “attractive” enough, how he’s got “no idea cos his body is in great shape and if he were fat himself then he wouldn’t talk bullshit like that”. But have you ever thought about the fact that those sort of people are just trying to do the same to him? So maybe he makes the “fatties” look like the baddies. So do the “fatties and uglies and godknows what” make all the pretty and successful people look like the baddies. The fatties are wrong and a disgrace because they aren’t perfect and not what the majority wants, the successful and pretty people are wrong because they are privileged and pretty and succesful. No matter what he says, he will always be a douchebag because he looks good and because he’s got an attitude. And this is another reason why so many people never even try to look better. Because when you look better and more in shape and healthier, then ohhhh my god. You are not allowed to like that. You are not allowed to show that. You have got! to be humble about it. You have got! to deny it. You have got! to not be aware of it. If you are aware about it, if you are loud about it, if you like to show it, if you are comfortable, if you don’t deny it, if you are honest, then you are a douchebag and a bully.
Why do more fangirls like Norman Reedus? Because he is like that. Humble. Quiet. Because he truely does not think that way (that he is super pretty and hot). Because he is not aware of it. He treats every girl like she is a “babe”. He makes everyone feel good when he is around. And that’s the kind of person you go to and want when you want someone “who takes me for who you are” / aka when I’m with him I do not feel the need to do more for my body/look healthier and better/because he would never hurt my feelings/insult me/and I can be lazy. That doesn’t make Reedus any better or less good, but that’s the way it is. (and I love Norman to death, he is such a good person)
And that is the reason why I like Sean’s attitude more. He is challenging. He is rude. He fucks political correctness and he doesn’t keep shit to himself. And once again, that doesn’t make him a bad person. Because you know he will always tell you the truth and probably won’t talk bullshit behind your back like most people do these days. And I’d rather have that.
Here is the fun part: I seriously do not like some of his comments. On women especially. I am the kind of person who doesn’t give a fuck about my own looks and I am the kind of woman who is like “I want someone who takes me the way that I am”. I just kept talking and talking about how you are supposed to do anything to improve and try harder harder harder, but at the same time I know -exactly- that I could manage every single fucking thing that is still bugging me if only I tried hard enough (the sleeping habbits, the getting up/school problems, the boyfriend/looks problems), but I don’t do it. So I certainly am a hypocrite here, but that still doesn’t change a thing.
It pisses me off when people insult Sean when he only speaks the truth, especially the controversial issues where everybody tries to please everyone just so there is no sort of fighting going on the way it always happens on his blog/twitter. He certainly is out for this kind of feedback, and he certainly won’t ever stop.
I just felt the need to express my thoughts here, tell you my views on a couple of things that he certainly gets wrong. And part of me is just pissed when so many young women try to fool themselves on how men are. I am certainly not an expert, but the majority of my friends are male. And I happen to like to hang out with guys more than with girls. And most of them certainly -are- a lot like Sean and many other men. My father. My uncle. My cousin’s boyfriends and husbands. They all agree. Looks count. Body weight counts. Sex matters a lot. When they call fat people fat, then they mean it. They do not care about the reasons. They make jokes about it, no matter how many times you complain about it. Most men aren’t sensitve, do not care about your emotions and problems, simply because they do not understand it. They get annoyed by women and their comments. They are simple. They are straight forward. They won’t sugarcoat shit for you. They won’t tell you nice shit like some of your friends/fellow women do and think otherwise in the mean time. They are rude, disgusting, crude, vulgar, and most of them are seriously the exact opposite of women. And no complaining and writing shit the way we do will ever change that.
And if you keep fooling yourself and run away from those sort of comments/things and try to prevent shit like that just because it hurts your feelings then it’s just the wrong way to do it. And I got the impression that Sean thinks just the same way. No sugarcoating, no turning people, and especially women, in a small sensitive puddle of uberemotional thinking and understanding. No “trying superhard to please everyone’s views so everyone loves me and so I don’t get hate on anything/don’t do anything wrong”. And then people are surprised when “life is hard”, “life is not fair”, “the world is cruel” and they get depressed. Well no wonder! If you expect everyone to please your ideas and call you pretty names and fool you and lie to you! Life isn’t like that. It -is- cruel- and -unfair- and straight forward. And you need people to treat you that way so you can make it through this giant pile of shit! And not all of them treat you that way to dominate you and laugh at you and make you feel weak, some of them really just wanna help you get through it and make you stronger! Stronger through cruelty.
So what you gotta do is grow some balls, fuck that shit, and be just like them, all those bullies and people with attitude and know it alls. Not meaning that you have to be more manly or any of that bullshit. No. Just be superduper confident, stick to your believes and attitude. Take it easy, be calm and relaxed, don’t get hungup on every little shit you can find and think of as “not appropriate, rude and insulting”, laugh about it, let all those people, especially men, think they are the shit and kick them in the balls when they least expect it. I spent weekends on end with just guys, metal freaks at a festival, and I had no problem keeping up with them, and you’d be surprised how easy it really is to dominate a man if you are loud enough, confident enough, and fierce enough in a witty way. They will probably laugh at you, behind your back, call you “a crazy lesbian chick” or godknows what, but what do names matter? Do what’s best/healthiest for you! And you really can only achieve that in person. Not through the internet. You can only really achieve that and be more confident if you get out of your shell and take life and men the way they are. Cruel. Unforgiving. If you don’t give a shit about all that anymore and comments like those slide off your back like it is nothing, then life will be a whole lotta easier for you. And others. Because I’m seriously sick of all that bitching over every little comment that someone in a small town at the end of the world might find insulting. Stop focusing on all the bad things/faults/mistakes. It makes everything worse for everyone. Focus on the good things/the achievements/things people did right for once.
And since I feel the need to say it here once more: if you got a serious illness and think my talk is some bullshit and rude and disrespectful, then I am truely sorry, but that is the way I feel. Just like most people in the world I am foolish, stupid and uninformed, and I do not know the mechanics of serious illnesses and what they make you feel like, and this comment certainly wasn’t directed at you. In the end everyone’s got their own views and attitude and think that this and that and that is -true- and -right- although it is not. I won’t change my views because they make life easier for me and make me feel comfortable. And in the end that’s what views and beliefs and religion are about, right? It keeps you from going mad and gives you some peace because seriously no one will ever know the absolute truth and what is really right and wrong, how something works or not. We’re all just trying to make sense out of chaos. And with that I shall apologize for my freakishly long monologue and stay cool and I love everyone in this bar! 😀
We love you too!!!!!
RESPONSIBILITY REVOLUTION Ok, I can dig it. Yeah, I come from a long line BDM’s, in fact some of them have been so spectacular I’ve deluded myself to feel normal by comparison. What’s the line? Time well spent is a life well spent. Set up my home gym today, took down the pain motivated triggers and replaced them with some pleasure driven ones. Let’s face it, to thine own self be true. I realized that I had already adjusted my subconscious mind and got it to make new pain/pleasure associations in a negative way, which is how I got in this boat to begin with and GD that’s how I’m going to get myself back out of it again. Going to whip up a few vision boards over the weekend and get those smart goals into place. Also reading some Eckhart Tolle to get more aware of my thought process. Groovy baby, groovy.
BDM, huh? I wish I had you chirping this into my ear a few years ago!
I was in a marriage where my life was a perpetual revolving door of BDM. Did I recognize it at the time? NOOO, of course not. But thankfully, one day, I opened my eyes, grabbed hold of my life, gave it a hearty shake and proceeded to get things in order. Step 1. Realize that I could and WOULD make it on my own. I didn’t need some man in my life to make me feel complete. Step 2. Ditch the husband who saw fit to try to make me choose between him and following my dreams. (In all honesty, that ultimatum was just the final straw.) Step 3. Take the plunge and accept the consequences of my decision.
Do you see a pattern yet? My BDM wasn’t something like smoking, or drinking to excess. In a way, I was blessed to have married the person I did, as his main vices were smoking and drinking. Was he abusive? Yes and no. Emotionally, but not physically. I’m sure you’re asking, how on earth can she consider that kind of marriage a blessing?! Well, I see it that way because while I may have allowed him to bruise my spirit, I learned a valuable lesson. I learned that I didn’t want to be like that. I learned and accepted, eventually, that I ALLOWED his BDM to affect me. And I see that as my own BDM. How DARE I allow someone to have that kind of pull over myself!
So now, here I am, four years later. Since I “woke up” I finished getting a Bachelor’s degree. I was so determined that I did even better. I earn two Bachelor degrees, simultaneously, and THEN I went to England for a year and earned a Master’s degree. Now, I’m waiting to see if I got into the Doctorate program I’ve applied for.
Life is good when one learns to take control and ownership of their decisions. Of course, I still have my moments where my BDM flares up, but I take comfort in the fact that the reins are in MY hands and no one will ever bruise my spirit again.
My life now is filled with happiness. I am content, yet not so much so that I’d remain where I am now. I still have dreams that I’m constantly gravitating towards. And when I fulfill those dreams, I will have more dreams to keep driving me forward.
I refuse to allow BDM to derail my life again.
Since January 2013 I have lost 35 pounds. I am back in a size 8. Depression and anxiety had overtaken my mind and body and I put the pounds on in 6 years. I still am not satisfied with the way I look, but I am trying to adjust. No work outs, (can’t afford gym) just cut out sugar, bread, junk, fast food and looked for other ways to eat healthy. Your BDM is inspiring and I plan to use it to lose the last 15 pounds. Thanks so much. xo
Thank you again. I know what I need to do to save myself from more illnesses. Most of my present illnesses I can get rid of and off medications. Exercise is greatly important in prevention of all my illnesses.as well as what foods I eat. I eat organic foods in definite portions. I monitor my Carb,salt, fat sugar intake. I walk with a purpose… to get somewhere I need to go and to lose the pounds I had acquired.
My mother passed away this year from most of the same illnesses I have. I grew up in a family that didn’t exercise ( running, biking, swimming, etc).. No excuse for my illnesses. I know better. My adult daughter and two sons know better how to take care of themselves too.
Thank you so much for encouraging me and letting me see that there is room for improvement.
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Howdy Sean, it’s Donna, (Stink-a-dena). Anyway, wasn’t sure where to put this, but it mostly falls under BDM, so I figured I’d just put it here.
I really needed to talk to you and well let’s face facts, Twitter ain’t the place. I’ve already exceeded the character limit as it is. LOL
Where to start. Well I met you for the first time in Nashville back in October. I was on a pretty good roll before getting there. Loosing weight and exercising. (I walk) Then when I got back I dropped 10lbs almost immediately. Then it started turning colder here. I’m a Texas girl, I really HATE the cold. So walking was no longer an option. So I just didn’t do anything. I put that 10 lbs right back on. I kept saying I was gonna do this or do that, but never did. I was really mad at myself, but apparently not cuz I still didn’t do anything about it.
I started thinking about a gym. Then the one that I wanted to join was having a Black Friday sale, so I joined. Even better. But between work and I got a really bad cold, I couldn’t work out for a few days. I finally got better and have gone for the last 4 days now. Ok, so that’s not what I wanted to tell you though.
Yesterday’s work out is what I wanted to tell you. I started off on the treadmill. I was only gonna walk for a 1/2 hr, which is not long at all for me. When I as walking outside, I would walk for 1 1/2 hrs. So this was really short, but it was all I was planning on doing. Well when I got to the 1/2 hr mark, I started hearing you tell me, “5 more minuets, just give me 5 more”. Now I might want to mention here that I was wearing my Shine on shirt (from Twempirians). I tend to hear you when I’m in that shirt for some reason. So anyhow I gave you 5 more. Then you asked for another 5, so I gave it to you. I started to cry. RIGHT THERE IN THE GYM. What the hell was wrong with me? I don’t know if you will understand it, not to sure I do, but yeah, I was crying. Then the next thing I knew I had walked an hour. Again, not a big deal since I usually do it for 1 1/2 hrs. However I did it with inclines and different speeds. Corissa told me to do that. 😉
Then it was off to the bike. I was planning on 20 mins. I got to my 20 mins no problem. Then all of a sudden, “just give me 5 more min. just 5 more”. Damn it Flanery, I got stuff to do at home. “Just 5 more”. Next thing I knew it had been 40 mins, and I could have gone longer, but my butt was numb. LOL Cried some more, but not as much. Then I did an ab machine. 6 sets of 15. Then I left.
Anyway, not really sure why I had to cry but I did, and I’m not real sure why I felt the need to tell you but I do. AND I’m crying again. LOL I do want you to know how much I love you and respect you darlin. Thank you for everything. Thanks for this blog, and for being my kick in the ass, and for telling me how it is. Thank you for helping me save my life. AND thanks for letting my vent to you just now. I had a great time in Nashville with you and was very pleasantly surprised by you I might add.
Anyway, have a great weekend and I’ll talk to ya later.
Love ya bunches,
Just wanna say, love the blog.
You’re truly inspirational.
Thanks for being so supportive and giving to your fan base.
I know you’re life is probably super fast pace and packed
I just hope this little tid bit finds you well rested and
And I hope you know as big as the world is, and as negative and stressful it can be. We got your back and appreciate all you do.
It was great getting to finally meet you last weekend.
(Louisville’s wizard world wifey) haha
Right, not to be a hard ass, but I call shenanigans. There are genetic disorders that cause cancer as well. Blaming illnesses and diseases solely on B.D.M. is irresponsible. My family has a genetic mutation that means that people who have the mutation (which causes a disease called Familial Adenomatous Polyposis, or FAP) have a 97% chance of developing colorectal cancer before the age of 40. There are people who are genetically predisposed to cancers and other illnesses. In fact, certain types of cancer such as colorectal cancer and ovarian cancer can CA– USE weight gain. So please, before stating something as fact, do some research.
I appreciate the support you give your fans and followers, I really do, and you seem like a great guy (as well as awesome actor!). I just get upset when ANYONE says that someone’s weight or health issues are caused SOLELY by bad decisions. There are so many underlying causes of so many diseases that it’s not funny. My best friend had thyroid cancer as well as breast cancer, and she’s one of the most athletic people I know (runs 6+ miles a day, watches what she eats, does belly dancing as well as rides horseback), as is her 15 year old daughter who was JUST diagnosed with thyroid cancer herself. As a person who has a humongous reach in the world, making a statement such as this and attributing everything to bad decisions is a huge disservice to many.
Why didn’t I read this I long time ago? It would’ve saved me a lot of trouble. I have and do suffer from BDM, who doesn’t? I’m not going to give you my whole life story, let’s just say… I’ve had a bad upbringing to this world. I’m 16 now and I’m finally turning my life around sir. I guess I’ll be very vague but there has been a few sick men in my life, three of them… One walked, one lost his kids(my biological father), and one is now in prison. But I had, key word, had depression for a very long time, seven years, yet I’m so young. I got into bad things, hung around bad people, and at just fifteen years old I was arrested and kicked out of school. I was a well known trouble maker, and I made a pretty stupid decision and was kicked out. I was still depressed and then one day I woke up and just said I can’t do it anymore. I threw out all the ridiculous medication they had me on and moved forward with my life. And even though during the last two years of that depression I tried to give up and take my life three different times, I overcame depression and I’m moving forward. In January I am taking my GED and then in the fall I’ll enroll into a community college at 16 to take my core classes and then after two years I’ll transfer into a university. I’m happy to say my life is changing around and I can feel it. These words were touching and it felt like you were speaking directly to me, I know you weren’t but that’s how it felt. I know there’s no way to fix or change the past, but that doesn’t mean it has to affect the future and I won’t let it. Though my mom gave up on me a long time ago, I haven’t given up on myself and I will go to college because I’m far to intelligent not to.
I hope to met you one day, soon hopefully, because you inspire me to do so much. Thank you sir for that.
Have a good night sir.
Wow, this is exactly what I have, I mean I have it bad. It never even occurred to me that I had/have B.D.M. until I read your blog. Perhaps it is due to the way you stated this, after all I do know about making choices, but never gave a thought to the effects of bad decision making. Yes, I have used every excuse in the book, age, time, exhaustion, other commitments, fear to name a few, but now I can see that the excuses were just B.D.M. I allowed B.D.M. to become bad habits. I consider myself to be an intelligent woman and yet a have allowed myself to make bad decisions that have reduced the quality of my life. With this new knowledge, I take responsibility for my own decisions. My future is determined by the choices I make today. Starting now, I vow to myself that I will make better choices and I will take full responsibility for everything in my life. I will work towards becoming healthier, physically stronger and overall a better person. I know it won’t be easy. I know bad habits and B.D.M. will challenge me everyday. Therefore, not only do I review my goals on a daily basis, I have added a plan “B”, so that when B.D.M. attempts to take over I have a course of action to counteract the B.D.M. I know that working toward and achieving my goals will make my like more enjoyable and meaningful. Thank you, Sean Patrick Flanery for posting this blog, although thank you seems such a small word for opening my eyes.
I agree that clear, concise values need to be practiced and instilled, but you also need the skills to develop those values else the lessons are incomplete. Think about an algebraic problem; adopting and instilling a value without reason and logic is like saying that X=5 because “i say so”. If you really want to drive a lesson on values home you have to walk yourself and others through the reasoning and logic for the values and both deductive and inductive reasoning must be used. It’s like teaching a student to FOIL polynomials and how to then factor them out again
If you want ot live a healthy life then you need to maintain a diet and exercise regimen that fits your temperment and your physical and nutritional needs.
If you are over-weight and have a gluten allergy then you need to avoid bread, pasta, ect., reduce your caloric intake while maintaining high nutritional standards and adopt an exercise regimen that is high in cardio and incorporates enough strength training to build lean muscle while you lose weight.
and of course my editing didn’t convey >.<
(X+3)(X+2) = X^2+3X+2X+6 = X^2+5X+6 = X^2+2X+3X+6 = X(X+2)+3(X+2) = (X+3)(X+2)
Ok so here’s my rant, I’ll try to make it short. I’ve read the blog and skimmed some of the response (and I mean SKIMMED and SOME). First off: I one hundred percent believe that ending “BDM” starts at home with the parents. So many parents now-a-days make me sick. I go to the store and see kids playing tag while their parents are 3 aisles down looking at new towels. I see idiot teenagers thinking that they can do whatever they want with fear of consequence. I see adult… ADULTS… texting and talking on the phone while driving in rush hour traffic. So, yes, being stupid can and will most likely get you killed. If these parents took more of an interest in PARENTING, and taught their children from day one not to make dumb decisions it would be a completely different world. Yes I’ve done dumb things as a teenager; everyone has, but the degree of stupidity was never anything that I would get arrested for, never anything that would get me or somebody that I cared about hurt. The dumbest thing I did as a kid was when I broke my leg horse back riding, and I learned something from that. Now the happiest I ever am is when I’m riding horses. Now it is also true that not every disease, ailment, or illness is cause by BDM. One of the vets that I work for is diabetic. Physically he’s in good shape, he goes to the gym, he eats well, but he got dealt a shitty hand. My dad on the other hand… I love my Father very much, he was intelligent, kind, and generous to a fault (he was the type of man that would give the shirt off his back and the last dollar in his pocket to a perfect stranger if they needed it) but most of his problems could easily be tracked back to the fact that he was an alcoholic and smoked like a chimney. He died from a pulmonary embolism 2 years ago. As an adult the dumbest damn thing I did was start smoking. I hate myself for it. I tried to quite 2 years ago and was doing really good with it and then my dad passed away and all of my progress went right to hell. It’s when of those things that really shatters your world. I didn’t live near my dad. He lived in Northern Cali and; with my mom still being active duty air force at the time, I moved to Tampa, Florida. I got to see him once a year, maybe. I still cry about losing him. No I don’t blame him I just miss him. he died 10 days before my brother’s birthday and 17 days before mine. His funeral was on my brother’s birthday. (On an up note though I think I’m ready to quite again). Back on topic. My best friend’s grandparents are both HORRIBLY over weight and they never did anything to change their diet. I try to exercise but I have to be careful I can’t do a lot of running because I get REALLY bad shin splints and it get to be very painful to walk; which then makes it hard to do my job because I spend 7-8 hours a day on my feet on concrete and tile floors. But that doesn’t stop my from hitting the heavy bag, or riding my bike, or hiking (given the chance), and I go horse back riding every chance I get. It’s gets hard to do in Florida, between the heat, the humidity, and the rain, but when I get the chance I take it. My point I guess is that it’s up to you folks. Eat nothing but fast food, Drink yourself into a coma every night, do drugs, whatever but come the end of the day when you die at forty because you didn’t take care of yourself it’s your own damn fault. And parents… GET A CLUE! Teach you kids from day one not to do this shit and guess what, they’ll be a hell of of lot less likely to do it as adult. There’s a reason I don’t keep junk food in my house and that’s because I don’t want my kids eating it all the time. It’s the same way i had it growing up. Yeah every once in a while we might have something crappy to eat but that is the exception and it is FAR from the rule. Now I’m pissed off because people are stupid and crying because I miss my dad but I sure as hell hope I mad my point!
I often re-read things that I’ve written (here and anywhere else), and… wow grammar and spelling go right out the window when I’m worked up. I apologize for that.
The truth may be out there. But the lies are inside your head.
Hi.. me again.
I’ll try to keep it short(er) (but I ain’t making no promises. I’ll probably end up going of at a tangent and ramble – so bring coffee). Oh, and apologies in advance for scrambled grammar and spelling. Doing my best, not a native English speaker.
I’ve read and reread this blog post over and over again, since I followed the breadcrumbs via Boondock saints and martial arts to this place. Damn it man, you can *write*.
And this post just resonates perfectly with me and managed to put words to something I’ve had rumbling around in my brain for the last year or so, but couldn’t really get a handle on. Thank you for that!
Oh, and btw Sean… I’m afraid I might owe you an apology.. it seems that a tiny part of you has wandered into my brain and taken up residence sometime during the last week or so, while I wasn’t really looking ( I really need to have a chat with the security guys about letting folks in unannounced like that) And you know how it goes “once you check in”… so yeah, sorry about that.
But I quite like having you around. Seems to be doing a fairly good job of keeping the dark Bastard in check and battling the Lizard Brain into submission. You might wanna have a chat with my old man, since you are in there. He’s the awsome dude back there in the corner, near Lizard Brain, which he helps keep in check. There are a lot of other interesting folks around, never a dull moment. If you see an old biddy in a dark corner going “you’ll never amount to anything” give her a swift kick from me, will ya? It’s just my old homeroom teacher. I’ve been trying to shut her up for years.
Only thing is, did ya have to bring that BDM-vuvuzela along? I damn near jumped out of my skin in the supermarket yesterday when that thing went off between my ears. I was just *looking* at that amazing deal on chocolate. Anyway, it worked, went home chocolatefree.. so yea, thanks… I guess. (I *really* need to have that chat with the security guys)
Ok, I’ll shut up .. for now…
Hearing you loud and clear! *grabs shovel and rubber gloves* I’m on it! <3 Thank you. <3
Can I still credit good influences, or is that also blame? Genuinely asking.
So far so good! Thanks for the winged boots! (I think pointy black leather biker, with batty dragon wings) ;3