Norman Reedus Is STILL Lost. And time is of the essence. Please start by clicking>>>> HERE if you’re just now joining the search… for PART ONE.
That’s all I heard coming from my phone as I was once again pressed against the headboard in full freestyle. I had to go retrieve it to respond as I had propped it up facing the bathroom door with the video camera going in preparation for his escape.
Me: “Say again Stein.”
Reedenstein: “VISINE… I need some fucking visine too, to wash away what I just saw that fucking sicko do.”
I swallowed a snort of laughter with everything I could and tried my best to be “there” for him in this trying time.
Me: “Talk to me, Stein… what’d you see?”
Reedenstein: “He wasn’t alone! Jesus-God, PLEASE hurry, man! Boots just got rear ended by some dood in nothing but socks… fucker must’ve been here & hiding behind the curtains the whole time. Did it right outside this door.
Me: “Not following, homie. Did what?”
Reedenstein: “Socks crept up behind Boots while Boots was standing on the other side of this door… and Socks just threw it straight in his… in his… OH, GOD!!!!!!
I simply couldn’t contain a humongous “BLAAAAAAAH!”… but I cut it off with another pillow gag straight onto my face, until I could regain composure. I had to focus. I couldn’t fuck it up this late in the game. Breathe, Baum! And breathe I did.
Me: “Okay Stein, stay calm… but if this sick fuck is capable of butt rape, then I need you to laser focus on our exit strategy and be ready to bolt when the gauntlet rolls past.”
Reedenstein: “Wasn’t rape, homie. Boots didn’t even protest. I was trippin’ on Boots, but clearly Socks is running’ the show. Socks crept up behind him & I just heard a moan… then socks threw him out! No cuddling… no nothing. “
Me: “Hmm, what kinda moan? The bear from Grizzly Adams, or more of a Fonzie moan like when he was thirsty for the Polaski twins… or better yet, Pinky Tuscadero?”
Reedenstein: Whoa! Damn, remember Leather, Pinky’s sister?… SO hot! And that zipper… straight down to ground zero! Suzi Quatro… that chick was filthy before people truly understood a nice level of filth.
Me: “No… Ashley, bro! You KNOW she was a closet little dirty girl, the way she just hiked up that ‘good girl’ poodle skirt and slammed her ass down on the back of Fonzies rumbling Triumph!”
Reedenstein: “SO dirty! God, she reminds me of that story you told me about Tulia Shebert from 7th grade… Was she the one who stuck her finger in…”
Me: “No, that was Twyla. Remember, I told you, Tulia was the first one to grab my…
Reedenstein: “… HOLY SHIT, I just heard something!! Somebody’s outside… just mumbled something.”
It was Rocco, who was staying right across the hall. I heard the click of his door opening, followed by an “ooh, these are nice!”, and I knew Rocco had found the boots and was on his way to the bar.
Reedenstein: “Could you hear it through the phone? Who was that?”
Me: “No idea, homie… but let’s focus up and get you…
But I knew the Stein was processing things and would inevitably recognize Rocco’s voice, so I had to quickly divert his attention to an event SO traumatizing that it would simply erase the few seconds of memory leading up to it. Yeah, I watch a lot of Dateline… the victims ALWAYS say the same thing about the moments leading up to a horrific event… that they remember NOTHING. Dateline. That shit comes in handy.
Me: “OH MY GAWD!! You’re not gonna believe this.”
Reedenstein: “What? WHAT?? WHAT am I not going to believe??”
And I actually had no idea… but I knew I had focus and throw something substantial at him! I tried to drown out Vince Shlomi, who was now on the TV… and pretty close to selling me on a ‘Slap Chopper’. My GOD this guy was good. I don’t even know how to turn on my microwave, but this guy had me wanting to whack out a 9 course salad. “Fettuccini, Linguini, Martini, Bikini!” I had to think fast. So fast I thought.
Me: “Okay, I’m in the lobby right now, and they have CNN on one of the TV screens, and you won’t believe what I’m reading on the ticker tape.”
Reedenstein: “Give it to me, Holmes!”
Me: “Okay, I’ll just read it straight from the screen. It says… and I’m quoting here: ‘all of metropolitan Nashville has been effectively shut down, as the search for who the public are now calling “Back Door Boots” continues. Just tonight, two victims have already been found in two separate hotel rooms in downtown Nashville. The first victim, who’s name has not been released, was found deceased on a bed of M&M’s with SEVERE trauma… to the BALLOON KNOT!”
Reedenstein: “HOLY FUCK, please get me outa’ here, homey! Wait a minute… did it really say balloon knot?”
Me: “Yeah, bro… CNN’s not pulling any punches with this psycho. But, it goes on. Listen to this: ‘The second victim was found completely naked and in the fetal position with a half eaten Skittle in his mouth and the words ‘RedBull’ scribbled on the bathroom mirror in what appears to be lipstick. He apparently died from blunt force trauma that was directed mainly at the victim’s RUSTY SHERRIFF’S BADGE!!”
ME: “Stein, you okay?”
I can hear him shuffling around in the bathroom, with the water in the sink turning on… then off.
Reedenstein: “Yeah, homie. I just threw up all over the place. I KNEW that’s what he wanted, man! That sick fuck… FUCK YOU, YOU BACK DOOR PEICE OF SHIT!!! FLANERY’S COMING!!!!”
Me: “We gotta make it quick, Holmes. Ooh, wait. They’ve got a badass cop on the screen now & he’s talking. Okay, listen to this. They have the volume down, but I’ll read the closed captioning. It say’s: ‘This is Detective Harry Callahan reporting from the American Nihilist Underground Society. We have it on good authority that the bandit previously made a public claim that his mission was a trilogy, and that his trinity of victims would end with a huge deposit right in the ‘PRISON PURSE’! It seems he’s planning on ‘deputizing’ a total of 3 Starfish on this evening of violence.”
Me: “Let it all out, brother. I know you hate it, but all this vomiting may just keep you alive. Now, let’s focus. They’ve just removed me from the lobby and sent me back to our hotel because of the city-wide lockdown, but I’ve got a guy that’s going to meet you out front in a…”
I immediately go to the photos on my phone and scroll to the first pic of the Stein that I find. It’s of me & Reedus at a strip club called “The Hiccup” from our trip to Prague… (which is a story for a NEVER time). I quickly crop myself out and save it. Then I open up my Uber app, go to my profile, change my photo to one of the Stein’s and call for a car to my location. A red Toyota Yaris comes up as available & headed my way with a wonderfully happy looking Indian driver named ‘Siddarth’… arrival time, 6 minutes.
Me: “…red Toyota Yaris. His name is Sid… and he’s my homeboy. He’ll bring you in, bro. Trust Sid… he’s like a NAVY SEAL.”
I throw on the mute button again, pickup the house phone and quickly dial Sid’s number.
Me: “Sid, listen to me very carefully. When I see your car, I will hop in immediately. Please take me around the block one time and drop me off right where you picked me up. DO NOT mention that we’ve spoken. I have a medical condition, and will have forgotten that I made this call by the time you arrive… and it will just confuse me. My condition is called ‘The Devil’s Onion Ring”. You can look it up. If you do this precisely… I will rate you at 5 stars!”
Siddarth: “I can do for you Mr. Shan! Only this and no never mention for me this condition of ‘Onion’.”
Me: “Oh, one more thing. Can you call me “my little tortuga” when you see me? I had one in an empty aquarium when I was a kid and my sister flushed him. Never really got over it.”
Siddarth: “Oh, no… My sad heart is going through the cammode. I can do for this yes.”
Me: “Thank you, Sid… and Godspeed. Oh, WAIT… can you leave the phone on? My girlfriend here is worried about me taking an Uber with some random driver. So, also for that 5 star… just set your phone down on the seat and let her listen here from her end, you know… to make sure you don’t assault me.”
Siddarth: “I am never for assault Mr. Shan, no never-never. But, woman can listen me always. I have nothing for the hidden.”
Me: “Sid, you rock balls, homie!! See you in a few!”
As soon as I hung up, a knock comes on the door… “housekeeping!”.
Reedenstein: “Homie, they’re here! I’m gonna make a run. Pray for me, bro!”
Me: “No need, Stein… it’s already been written. Your page count doesn’t stop tonight… not on my watch! SPRINT… then get in Sid’s car… He’ll take you back to our hotel… and God willing, Rocco will have a couple Bull’s with your name on them… and I’ll meet you there. Godspeed, Holmes!”
Reedenstein: “Um… I’m scared, homie… scared he’ll catch me!”
Me: “Okay, I want you to listen to me very carefully. Your legs are springs… STEEL springs, and they will hurl you down that hall as FAST AS A LEOPARD!! So tell me, Stein… how fast will you run?”
Reedenstein: “… Damn, homie… that was good.”
Me: “I SAID, HOW FAST WILL YOU RUN?”
Reedenstein: “Um… AS FAST AS A LEOPARD, HOMIE!!”
Me: “THEN LET’S SEE YOU DO IT!!”
And with a SLAM, the front door flew open, and in came the rollaway, straight down the hall. The housekeeping lady screamed as the Stein bolted out of the bathroom with a little squeaky ‘yelp’ and raced down the hall. It probably didn’t help that she found me solo sock freestylin’ on the bed with only the remote in my hand. But, she was committed, so she just kept right on pushing it straight to the window.
She then turned to me and said “will that be all, sir?” At this point, even the Russian judge would’ve given me a perfect ’10’ for my Sharon Stone/Basic Instinct leg adjustment as I waited an uncomfortably large amount of hollow & silent seconds just staring at her until I finally replied with “sure honey… you’ve done enough for the night. I trust you can let yourself out?” … and she was gone with a barely audible “lord have mercy” as I waited to hear the door click shut. And there he was again, with “I do have mercy, my son… but will stop my supply to you immediately if you do not stop traumatizing your dear friend this very moment.”
Me: “No, Sus… that wasn’t me! That was the housekeeping girl. I’ve always had an abundance of mercy from you. I don’t need any extra.”
But he was insistent. “We all need ‘extra’, my son. And although I am now getting confused as to who is who in your little orchestrated chaotic adventure… sometimes a request arises from a source that needs not. But, I am the ‘Sus, and will place my response where needed, regardless as to the requester. Show the Stein mercy, for he is your brother… or I will show you none.”
Me: “I understand, lord. I’ll wrap this up immediately. In fact, I have my friend Sid waiting out front as we speak-“
But the ‘Sus knew better, and he hit me with, “Oh, stop it with the ‘Sid’ crap… he’s a fucking Uber driver, you moron. But I WILL tell you THIS… maybe he’s not. And maybe the lesson you feel you’ve taught someone else, is really for you.”
Oh, shit!! Man, the ‘Sus can sure speak in riddles when he wants to.
Me: “Amen, sir! I’m on it.”
And then she peaked her head back around the corner staring at me, and I realized that I’d never heard the door close.
Her: “Um… who were you just talking to?”
I tried to care if she thought I was crazy… but I just couldn’t muster any.
Her: “Okay, never mind then. One question though… was that who I think it was that just escaped from your bathroom?”
Hmmm. I knew I only had a 7,317,000,000 to 1 shot at this… but what the hell.
Me: “Well, not if you’re thinking it was Tony Danza.”
Her: “…why would I be thinking it was Tony Danza?”
Me: “For the same roulette wheel reasoning that I’m denied access to your thoughts.”
Her: “Um… I’m not following.”
Me: “I’m not meant to be followed, sugar.”
Her: “Well, I think Tony… I mean, ‘Not Tony’ dropped this.”
And she held up the holy GRAIL of ‘fuck with Stein’ tools; The Norman Reedus cell phone.
Me: “Put it to your ear & listen.”
I could tell that she doubted every fiber of my character, but she placed it on her ear anyway. So, I slowly raised mine to my lips like Kirk giving life saving instructions to Spock… and whispered:
Me: “Go lock the door, honey… I’ve got a job for you.”
She was analyzing her risk to reward ratio. But then she nodded. And as she turned for the door, I heard Sid’s voice coming over the receiver of the house phone… so I picked it up.
Sid: “Misses Shan! I have phone on seat next just as Mister is telling me do. If you can hear… I am plan to taking the care of his Mister for you no assaulting never-never. Ooh, here he’s coming now limping. OVER HERE!! HELLO MY LITTLE TORTILLA!!
I can hear Sid’s car door open and slam and the Stein breathing heavily.
Reedenstein: “Please tell me you’re Sid!”
Sid: “I am yes I am the Sid. What is the happen your knee is making bloody?”
Reedenstein: “Just drive… PLEASE!!”
When I looked up, she was standing over me right next to the bed, awaiting instructions… with the Stein’s phone in her delicate palm… and a look of lust, question, and disdain in her eyes.
Me: “Okay, Sugar… let’s get started.”
What happened to the Stein’s KNEE? Will Norman Reedus ever get back to the hotel?? Will Siddarth get disconnected??? What will happen if I pull the string on the back of ‘Her’ apron????
For all this and MORE…
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The EPIC conclusion will be strictly SHINE members only.
Please leave your thoughts in the comments section below!!
HUGE thanks for the artwork… by @TheMeedees @Ghost02791 and @EveRain
As always… Godspeed, Godbless, and SHINE… until tomorrow.
-Sean Patrick Flanery