Pt. 3 The sun-dried raisin and a moral compass that’s on the North pole.
My moral compass has only been there once, but one time when I was nine… it did go looking for Santa. And I’m sorry.
God is great, God is good, let us thank him for our food. Okay, I actually am eating this time, so this first part will count. But, I’d also like to talk to you about these dreams. Sometimes the dreams recede. But they leave a residue. A stinking picture. And some stinking pictures you just can’t un-boil.
Andy came walking down the stairs as his mother just kept smiling and talking to us. Her lips were moving, but I didn’t hear anything coming out. Our eyes finally met as he finished the descent and he said “I’ll be back in a minute, mom”, then he crossed right past us out into their backyard as if he was just going to mow the lawn or something. We all walked out toward the 14th green as his mom’s voice tapered off with some clueless nonsense like: “you sure I can’t make y’all some sandwiches?”.
Only when you accept complete responsibility for you own life, will you finally take the giant step from childhood to adulthood.
Neither one of us spoke the entire walk to the green, but the others were like three Caesars in a coliseum. When we arrived at the green, Brian took out the 14th flag pole just like they do for the final putt. Andy and I stopped and turned to face each other. The only thing I wanted at that moment was for him to apologize so we could all just go home.
I heard Brian start to say something right before I felt Andy’s fist impact the side of my head right by my left ear. I stumbled to the right and immediately tackled him before he could swing again. I grabbed his head in a tight vice from on top of him and asked him if he gave up. Everyone was yelling “punch him in the face!!” and “kick his ass!!”. I held him down with all my weight and switched my grip on his head to a conventional headlock to free up my right hand. I raised that fist up over his face and begged him to give up. He wouldn’t.
IT IS ALWAYS GOOD TO STRIVE TO BE LIKE PEOPLE THAT YOU RESPECT. CONVERSELY, THERE AREN’T MANY THINGS MORE DEPRESSING THAN FINDING OUT THAT YOU HAVE THINGS IN COMMON WITH PEOPLE YOU DETEST.
I punched him on the forehead and asked him again. Nothing. I punched again. Nothing. I threw again for his forehead, but he squirmed and I caught his nose. It opened up, and blood went everywhere. I said “say you give up and I’ll stop hitting you!!”, but he just squirmed and stared up at me. I threw a couple loose knuckled shots right above his eyes and tried my best to make them look vicious and asked again. Nothing. And that’s when I got mad. I got REALLY mad.
“I HAVE TO LIVE WITH MYSELF, SO I WANT TO BE FIT FOR MYSELF TO KNOW” -EDGAR A. GUEST
Sometimes you’ll take the wrong route, but what’s important is the efficiency of your correction.
I think that’s a good place to stop for the night, but I’ll try and wrap it up tomorrow. I know you’ve got a lot of people to listen too, but thanks… and we’ll talk tomorrow.
Good night, and I’ll SHINE… until tomorrow.
Sean, we’re always going to listen…I respect you above all else
He’s only human.
I’ve been on both ends of this story and I know how damaging it can be for both the winner and the loser. The only thing the loser learns is that they stood up for themselves and didn’t back down!
You describe this with such vivid imagery, I can see how it’s stuck with you. I can also see why it bothers you. Still really looking forward to hearing how this story ends! I admire your willingness to share this with us. Oh, and…enjoy your dinner. 😉 I’ll be looking forward to tomorrow…and shining until it gets here. God bless, Sean. xx
Looking forward to the next installment. I might have a lot of people to listen to, but very few I’m actually interested in hearing.
I think when you are hitting him and mad …. you aren’t really mad at him , more at yourself and for feeling like you had no choice because of the peer pressure.I look forward to hearing the rest of the story. We all have regrets and things we wished we could go back and change. Thank you for sharing yours. We love you! You are an amazing man and hope tonight your dreams are only good ones!
I truly hope you find peace about this darlin. Try to get some sleep tonight. @Donna_Mc86
I love bed time stories….and they are made even better when told by SFP….thank you!!! Good-Night and Sweet Dreams..
God Help you in that moment when the Berserker battle rage comes over you in a wave of near uncontrollable fury. I’ve experienced it once and my response was grossly disproportionate to the threat. Yes, there was imminent threat of bodily harm, he really did have his hands around my throat but not only did I subdue the attacker I almost killed him. I can only remember flashes and the sound of him sobbing and begging for his life as he crawled away. A switch had been flipped in my brain and only by the grace of God did it switch back in time. Not quite the same as what you’re talking about in the context of your three updates so far, but I can relate to that one moment in life when you get “really mad” and what can happen once you go down that rabbit hole. This stuff is always better out than in brother, keep posting! xo
I wish that I had something insightful or life-altering to say. I don’t. All I can say is this: What you have shared has not diminished my respect or admiration for you; it has only increased it. The hardest person to forgive is yourself. I hope you do.
Blessed be, my friend.
I don’t really know what to say, but I feel sorry too. If its gotten better before, it’ll get better again. A smart man (you) told me “endeavor to persevere” I took it and ran with it, and those words helped to a great extent. I’m not sure if those are the words you need now, but I’m willing to try as much as possible to help 🙂 keep a true, beautiful smile on that face of yours. Much love -Rae
Again another amazing insite to the events that have made you the amazing man that you are. We all have moments in our past that never leave our memories. You have shown us all that we can over come even some of our most difficult moments of weakness and pressure from others, I look forward to the conclusion.
You’re a good man, Sean. Never forget that. With love.
Sean, even people you detest likely have some good qualities. Thanks for the bedtime story, and remember it’s to, too and two. Sweet dreams, I’m looking forward to the finale in a bittersweet sort of way. I would like these bedtime stories to go on and on and on…..
I’m not sure how this ends but the fact that you are still worried about what happened so many years ago is proof enough that you have a good heart. There are many people who do far worse and have zero remorse. I do hope you find some peaceful sleep, SPF. Let it go.
I hope you sleep better tonight.
I have a story like this that eats away at me. Something that happened so long ago. It wasn’t so much my actions that haunt me though… it’s my inaction that follows me. I could have stopped this something from happening. I could have changed the outcome. But I was afraid.
At the time everybody assured me that it wasn’t my fault. That I couldn’t have stopped it. But looking back I think if I had been braver. And hadn’t backed down in fear of making it worse, or being out of line.
I won’t make that mistake again.
This is the first time I’ve ever really brought that up… Thanks for that Sean, Truly.
I do have a lot of people that I could listen to but you usually make more sense.
That’s why I’m here. 🙂
Thank you Sean for making me realize the importance that is in our hearts as people, not of what we lies beneath our skin, but the fear that crawls upon it, the reality that helps us realize we are all human. No matter what scientologist is going to tell us were not.
I had a feeling you wouldn’t finish the story tonight. Thanks for the pictures. Goodnight Sean
Sean, I just want to say thank you for posting this for me because it’s really inspired something inside me… change. There are many routes in life we can all take, and to look back upon one such as this, and look at it not with an attitude of regret but of remorse. That makes you such a strong individual, I have more than respect for you. I wish to walk in your shoes, and not only learn from my mistakes, but atone for them respectfully and inspire others just as you do for me. Every day, shining on. 🙂
Sean Patrick. …a wise man once said the Wolf inside of us that wins is the one that we feed the most. At a very young age you gave a meal to the wrong Wolf yeah?
But dearheart, ask yourself this; since then have you continued to feed the wrong Wolf or have you starved it of the hate and anger it needed to survive?
We all toss it occasional scraps. We are after all only human and our failings part of that human nature. What is important here Sean Patrick is that you have chosen to provide a great feast for the strong, proud Wolf that keeps you honest and on the path of honor.
I know that shame keeps this event vivid in your mind. There is still more for you to share. But dear soul, perhaps let it go this time and heal. Let the Wolf sing to you of new scents on the wind and better days. … better choices to come. Remember too… you deserve nothing less for yourself than you would offer to others. As you are a good, gentle male of great worth, that offering should be considerable.
Bright Blessings of the Lady be yours always,
For as hard as this is to write, it’s just as hard to read. Mostly because I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been either on the receiving end, or the giving end of bullying. Unfortunately, I have stories similar to this – and I have a healthy dose of regret. I was the bully, so to speak. Though, I chose to pick on the people who picked on others. All the Andy’s in school came to me with problems, and my magic fists and razor like tongue made short work of the Brian’s who thought they were big and tough for picking on the nerdy unpopular kid. Fancy that, they’d get beat up by a girl.
Anyhow, a few years ago I went through the 12 steps – and felt the desperate need to make amends to a few of those boys from my childhood who only remember me as that “chick who beat me up.” Amends aren’t supposed to be easy, but man… revisiting things I’d done as a teen and younger – there was overwhelming suffocating guilt. The short version is – there wasn’t a single one who rejected my apology. Anyhow, reading through the last few posts (as I just recently found your blog) brought up quite a bit of that guilt. Justified or not, no one actually deserves to be beaten. sorry, I’m rambling. I really just wanted to say I wish I could just give you a hug. We make mistakes as kids, and so long as we learned and move on – I mean, you said it. Taking responsibility for who we were, responsibility for our lives and our actions, gives way to actually growing up. And since I’m getting the sense that you’ve delved into this part of your history several times, keep in mind that regardless of how many times you process it – a self-inflicted wound won’t heal if you continue to pick at the scab. Let it scar, let it be a part of who you were – make your amends. But don’t forget to forgive yourself. Shine on, and dream well. Love and light my friend~ Sara
Our wrongs are just as a part of what makes us who we are as our rights. You are an amazing, giving and inspiring man. I’ll be checking back in mañana.
Our wrongs are as much of what makes us who we are now as our rights. You are an amazing, generous, inspiring man. I’ll be checking in mañana.
Im wondering…Was all forgiven? A blood bath is usually always a suicide, a murder, or a sacrifice. There is only one way to heaven, but so many ways to hell. This proves that a child does not have a developed judgement, a child’s actions reflect on the parent. So I’m also wondering, just what did your mom as do after all was said and done.
Like I said peer pressure makes us do things that we regret you obviously regretted this moment and by sharing it with us makes me respect you even more than I already do. You are a good presson through and through.
it’s amazing how often what we so hate, or fear in others….is often that which we’ve buried deep within ourselves.
otherwise….just sitting here, edge of my seat, waiting for the conclusion.
sometimes the wrong choices bring us to the right places. I have nothing but respect and admiration for you, more-so with having you share this experience from your past. That takes courage, to shine a light on the shadow that’s been haunting you for so long. God bless and much love, Sean
I think I’m going to reserve my comments about this until I get the rest of the story.
So I’m looking forward to the end. It’s been a hellish week for me so I haven’t gotten to read any of the installments until now, yet as usual, you found a way to leave me waiting with anticipation for the conclusion and I’m hoping your revelation. In my path through life I have had many experiences similar either in action or theme to what you describe. Years ago I became a new person and there was a choice to make. Either I allow all of it to bury me and continually hold me back where I was in one way shape or form, or I could use it to change myself and help others. I chose the latter and I’m pretty sure you did too. Can’t wait to read it, and even though I haven’t watched the show, my friend tells me it’s a good reason to make us wait! Lol
Seems that everyone wants to stamp your ticket and tell you that it is okay; we all make mistakes and we do but the only person that you need to forgive you is you.
it is not
polite to anyone
who is not
polite to you
get up, you are nobody’s doormat.