Pt. 4 The rebirth of the sun dried raisin, the cleansing banana leaf, why we chat, and an apology to Grandaddy. -Sean Patrick Flanery
Another thing I’ve uncovered throughout the years, is that a clean conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
It infuriated and frustrated me so much that he wouldn’t utter those 3 simple words that I requested that would allow me to stop bludgeoning him that I tightened up my fist, and I cracked him right in the nose. I cracked him hard. Blood flew everywhere. And no, the irony is not lost on me.
The blood was all over his face and my hand, and I smashed my face right against his and I yelled “That’s it, stay down!! Don’t make me hit you again!!!!”. I felt his body relax, and I knew it was over. Then, I got up and I walked off to the other side of the golf course and didn’t look back. I got about 10 yards and all I could hear was music. Then Brian. Then Brian and the guys running up to me with praise, and asking me where I was going. I didn’t even turn to look at them, because I didn’t want them to see me crying. I just started running and said that I was late, and was going to take a short cut back to my neighborhood. I ran in-between two houses directly across the golf course from Andy’s house and slid down next to a big A/C unit on the side of what looked like a mansion to me. I could still see Andy just laying there on the green as I heard the guys voices drift off towards their own homes. The music was still there… and I cried like an infant.
“WHEN WE ALLOW OURSELVES TO BECOME VULNERABLE, TO TAKE CHANCES, AND TO RISK OUR PRIDE, THAT IS WHEN WE FIND OUR OWN GLORY”. -Richard Corman
I GOT MY FIRST BEST FRIEND FROM THE POUND, AND NAMED HIM STEVE MCQUEEN. HE TAUGHT ME THIS: IF YOUR OWN DOG CAN’T LOOK AT YOU, THEN YOU’VE DONE SOMETHING WRONG.
There was a banana plant right next to the house that I was leaning on, and I tore off a leaf after a few minutes and started to wipe off my face and hands. When I looked up, I saw Andy watching me from across the fairway. I have no idea how long he’d been watching me. He just stared for a few moments and then glanced down and picked a few leaves from his mothers garden and began wiping his face off in the same manner that I had. When he was finished, he buried the bloody leaves in the dirt and looked up at me again. He raised his hand. I raised mine… and then he turned and walked inside.
MY GRANDADDY — USED TO TELL ME, “IT AIN’T OKAY JUST TO RIGHT A WRONG. IT AIN’T OKAY JUST TO CORRECT IT. NO, YOU GOTTA CORRECT IT 10 TIMES OVER”.
As I got up to brush myself off I heard the music approaching. I looked up and saw that the Obese man was driving straight up to the 14th hole in his little red Rolls Royce cart. He stopped directly on the green and stepped out and started looking around. He finally saw the flag, waddled over to pick it up, and gently placed it back in it’s hole. He walked back to his cart, but before he climbed back in, he started scanning the horizon in all directions until he suddenly spun completely around and landed his eyes right on mine, as if someone had just given him my exact coordinates. Maybe it was just the earth wiggling a little bit more than usual that day, but I could swear that I noticed his head shake, almost imperceptibly from side to side, and then he tapped his ear. He took a moment, then climbed in, turned up the volume of the song I’d been hearing, and drove off down the cart path.
Click >> THIS is the song that was coming from that little red golf cart, by Gordon Lightfoot.
“THE ONLY REAL MISTAKE IS THE ONE FROM WHICH WE LEARN NOTHING”. -JOHN POWELL
You know, some people in this 2013 world might question why I talk to you. Well, the reason is simple. It’s because you spoke to me first. You see, that song moved me so much, that I wrote down the few lyrics that I remembered on my social studies homework while sitting against that mansion right then and there. I still have those homework pages today. I look at them often, to try and make sense of it all. I look at them when I doubt. The homework is dated Friday, April 18th, 1975. The Edmond Fitzgerald went down with all 29 of it’s crew members on November 10th of that same year. The lyrics I remembered and wrote down that day were “Does anyone know where the love of God goes when the waves turn the minutes to hours”. I went to numerous record shops and sang the part that I remembered, but no one ever recognized the song. …That’s because Gordon Lightfoot wouldn’t even record this song until a year after you played it for me. And this, is why we talk. This… is why I believe.
A message for my Grandaddy.
Obviously you already know this, but my Grandaddy left before I got to tell him this story, so this is the first time he’s heard anything about it. Just tell him I’m sorry, okay. And tell him I’ve already started the correction. And that I miss him. And that I don’t want to die constantly checking to make sure I still cast a shadow. Don’t worry, he’ll understand that last part.
There’s two types of people that pass mirrors. The ones who stop and fix their hair… and the ones who really look.
…Man, I always feel better after we chat. Thanks, God. Oh, and amen.
Good night, God bless, and SHINE… until tomorrow.
-Sean Patrick Flanery
Whatever happened to andy?
You missed the point of the story.
First off, you write so beautifully and eloquently that it is so easy to get pulled in and read everything within just a few moments (even when one is at work… 😉 )
There is so much you have said that I agree wholeheartedly with and you are such a motivation to get me going. I have struggled with my weight a lot and I am trying once again to get back in shape. I met you at the Motor city comic con and you signed my quote book 🙂 I joined a gym and when I have time I am going. It is so hard to find the time to go when I work full time and go to school fulltime and volunteer but I just have to do it.
Thank you for being the man you are, Sean
Love you with all my heart!
A picture of you smiling!!! Love your smile, Sean 🙂
That was amazing! I hope that you will be able to finally get some sleep now. You are a great person Sean. Take care!
I’m so glad you feel better darlin. Hopefully you will get some really good sleep tonight and some relief from the grief. Love ya, @Donna_Mc86
I love your blogs. They are unique in a sense. I love the quotes you put in them and the pictures. I enjoyed this series of posts greatly.
God bless you too, Sean. Have a great life and enjoy every minute of it. 😀
Leave it to you to make the room dusty. Or were you chopping onions? I’m sure by now you don’t need to be told that you write beautifully. But, well, you do. I know that song well. My Dad learned to play it on guitar so I hear him sing it often. The course of these four posts got me thinking about a lot of things. Painful things. The good news is that the most painful memories being conjured come with know that I did everything I could at the time… But everything wasn’t enough. Still, in a way, reading this now brings cleansing tears, So, thank you. There are reasons I believe as you do, but hearing yours hit like lightning.
I’ll see you next week, Sean. God bless.
I want to add, this changed my attitude towards prayer. Not drastically. It just….made it make sense. The way you made it feel like you were talking to us then revealed who you were really talking to… Beautiful. And, profound. Just…talk. Thanks for letting us “hear” your talk with God. He and I have a some catching up to do. 😉 xx
The point of prayer always eluded me. If God is taking care of you, if God is everywhere, if everything is as it should be, why pray for something to be different? But that’s just it, prayer shouldn’t leave your lips on a wish list. No, it makes the most sense to me to consider prayer as meditation, or a lively discussion between you and a great Friend. In such a conversation, the silence–whether it’s found on a listening ear or a computer screen–is just what the writer needs: time and space…the room to ruminate.
This blog comes as a lovely discovery. I have not read any of Sean’s writing for many years, not since Jane Two, so this endeavor is encouraging and compels me to share a prayer I often say to myself:
I pray I become who I am, that I ask the questions that undo me and find answers enough to engage and secure me.
Wishing fellow readers provocative prayer and shining writing!
Hi Ruby, I like this: “But that’s just it, prayer shouldn’t leave your lips on a wish list.”
Exactly my thoughts. And when I said He and I had some catching up to do…well we did. Never mind that I was at work at the time (I have a lot of alone time at work), there was definitely a lot of tears. A happy, healing reunion.
I also like your approach: “ask the questions that undo me and find answers that engage and secure me.” That is an excellent way to provoke self-growth and fulfillment! May you have “provocative prayers and shining writing” too. xx
Sean……wow! I am so touched, amazed, **insert adjective I’m missing**. It is amazing how in 2013 it is so commonplace to talk about negative things. To put people down, to mock them, to complain about what is “owed” to us that we don’t have. Walk into work and complain about the weather & see how many people join in and start complaining with you. Now try walking into work with a huge smile on your face and talk about how incredible it is to be reassured of God’s love. How you struggle, doubt, question, yet always have your faith reaffirmed. Look around and see how many people are looking at you like you have lobsters crawling out of your ears. It is much more difficult to acknowledge such an incredible power, to learn REALLY dig deep and learn from the mistakes we’ve made and make those corrections in our daily lives. You are a fabulous soul my friend. I am always so touched and inspired by what you write. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Sean. I hope you read this and really feel my gratitude towards you. You are helping to facilitate big change in my life and I cannot wait to update you on the progress! God bless you beautiful man you! 😀
I love how you can make me laugh and cry in the same 5 minutes all the while reminding me of lessons I too learned long ago. This entire story is absolutely wonderful.
Your grandfather sounds like a very wise man. He obviously contunues to teach and inspire you today. I hope you tell his namesake all about him. 🙂
Thank you for sharing.
Love and light to you dear friend.
Hey Sean! I absolutely love and agree with this “There’s two types of people that pass mirrors. The ones who stop and fix their hair… and the ones who really look.” I believe most people don’t see past them self. I grew up the baby of the family, all my life I’ve watched people make good and bad decisions and the outcome of them. I try my hardest to truly see people if I know them or not. Thank you so much for my new favorite quote 🙂 Much, much love – Rae
You NEVER fail to move my soul in some way, shape, or form. Thank You for sharing.
Sean this speaks to me in ways I cant even explain. Thank you for sharing this story with me and the thousands of others that read this blog.
But Sean reading this allowed me to read into a side of growth for you as well as myself. We all have moments that change our lives forever, as well as people that do so. There are so many people in this story that shaped you forever. Even though it was a moment so many years ago, it shows how every moment and decision changes us forever.
Thank you again sean.
Grandaddy’s never really leave us though do they! They just rock on a more celestial deck. God Bless them all.
Sean, I read each of these posts, and I never comment on them. Perhaps this one moved me to respond because I’m at that age (47, 48, I can’t remember which because it’s irrelevant) I just know I am at that point in my life where I’m reflecting on all the mistakes made and whether or not I’ve learned from them and reflecting on all the wrongs I’ve done and if I’ve made good on them. And sadly, I probably haven’t on either one. I used to be one of those people who when I looked in the mirror, I fixed my hair (or groaned about the wrinkles or the dark circles under my eyes), but for about the past year, I’ve really been looking in that mirror, and at the person I’ve become. I made some changes since I started looking more closely. These past four posts have really touched my heart. (I’ve never beaten anybody up physically, but the thoughts behind them struck a chord with me.)
Thank you for your thought provoking words and for sharing so much of yourself with us.
Much Love and respect,
Dear Sean!! Thank you for sharing such a personal story with us, really touching and honest, rare quality to find nowadays, thank you so much for that!!!!. I sicerely hope you feel you’re getting closer to that goal, from my side i’ve seen you have helped so many to reach their goals, but i also know you’re the only one who can decide that!! you’re Grandad must be really proud of you. Thank you again for everything and God bless you
Sean thank you so much for trusting us with you personal struggles/stories. Your openness & honesty with us lets us know that we can be open & honest about our struggles/stories with you. God bless you Sean!
Thanks for sharing your story with all of us. Nobody is perfect and if they say they are then they are liars (thus proving they ain’t perfect). It is great that you are venting and letting this out, sometimes when we do that we feel better and the healing process can begin. I think when Andy raised his hand to you that he was forgiving you. I think he understood that you didn’t want to do it and that you were pressured by the others. You had a moment of weakness that we have all experienced. I feel that you learned from this because look at all you have done after. When I had the pleasure of meeting you I could tell that you were a sincere and passionate person. You are absolutely a great person and I wish you continued success. Take care and goodnight (and wishing you no more bad dreams now that you cleared your conscience).
I am new to this story.
It made me think of a girl that I went to school with in 1st grade. 4 or 5 girls had made the decision that because this girl was always a bit dirty & wore hand-me-down clothing, that they were going to strip her nude that day during recess. At first, a friend & I went along with the plan just to be “in” with the “in” girls. Funny how early that starts.
During recess that day, one of the girls got her & brought her over to where the other girls were standing on a small hillside next to the school & the playground. Then, the girls starting tearing her clothing from her body. I already knew in my heart that what they were doing was wrong, and, that even though I had decided not to be a part of it, I was. My friend & I walked away & started playing on some monkey bars & I did not look in their direction again during recess, nor did I, or my friend, tell anyone.
The thing I remember next is the girl that was attacked coming into the classroom with some teachers. They asked her to point to each person that had been involved. She included me & my friend. We all followed them to an empty room & she told them the story of what the girls had done. She also made mention of the fact that my friend & I did not actually do anything but stand there & then leave.
I can remember saying “I’m sorry” to her & getting to go back to class.
To this day, because of that horrible event, I will do my best to help anyone that is being bullied, etc. And, I will never stop.
Thank you for sharing…….Angela
I just like the heck out of you.
All of us kids in Michigan growing up in the 80’s had to learn that song, “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”. Thanks for sharing with us. While we can’t change the stupid shit we did in the past, we can use that memory, learn from it and make our future selves better, more aware.
Interesting, those were the words that jumped out at me too. “Does any one know where the love of God goes When the waves turn the minutes to hours?” I believe that’s when it is most with us. I’m glad you and Andy had that moment, that he got to see your humanity and that the violence cost you too. No coincidence that Mr Golf Cart was there to play that tune and hold that mirror up to you so that you could really see. He’s shown me wonders too which is why I believe and why I also talk to the big guy. Good night & God bless. Shine on until tomorrow brother. xo
You are a special soul, Sean Flanery. ♥
Thank you for sharing! You felt remorse and that maybe the most important lesson…..I hope you have better dreams now! Grandaddies have a caring and forgiving heart. Mine have both passed on but I know just like yours is smiling down on you so are mine! God bless! ♥
my grandfather, Donald, (my deedee) always used to say, “It’s your little red wagon. You decide where to pull it.” It’s always stuck with me. Grandaddy Charlie would be so freakin’ proud of you.
Thank you, Sean. Remembering the times we make the wrong choices and the times we shine help us to grow and learn and as we get older the shining moments become what stands out to those we love or just meet in passing.
When I first read this story about a year ago on your HBJJ blog, my first thought was deep concern for you. I had never heard the story before but the regret in your words came through loud & clear and with each subsequent blog entry, my concern grew. Your words were so heart felt, so raw, that my heart ached for you.
When I read the fourth & final part of this story, I got chills and a tear in my eye. I was hit by a lightning bolt of realization. Rarely have I read something that resulted in this type of visceral reaction. I went back & reread every word from the previous blogs with the realization of Who you were speaking to. No one had to tell me, I just knew. You weren’t speaking to me. Nor your Twempirians. Nor any person on this earth. It was God. And the chills covered my body once again.
I love that you shared such a personal & intimate conversation with God. And how you ended the first three blogs with the words, “Good night, and I’ll SHINE…until tomorrow. –Me.” Different words than you usually end with. Because you were talking to God…and He knows who you are. And He wants you to shine. And believe me, Sean, you do.
That little boy caving in to peer pressure is not who you are today. The type of man you are is quite apparent, really. At least to anyone paying attention. It’s evident in what you say & do and what you write about. So in case there’s any doubt in the back of your mind, I’ll let you in on something I know to be factual. You are a good and decent man, Sean. A man of good character, a kind and caring soul. A class act. Your Grandaddy would be proud.
I hope you forgive yourself, you really should.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Sean. This was very moving. I still have chills. God bless.
Thank you. I think you get it.
Would you believe me if I told you that this made me cry? I’m so very glad you find peace when you open up yourself and let others in and give thanks to god. I really believe once you become honest with yourself and with your past you become a whole new person and feel a million times better. Thank you for sharing this incredible tale with us and for letting us learn more about who you are and how much of an inspiration you are and always will be. Your grandaddy is a very handsome man btw 🙂 You have his eyes and nose. 🙂
this story has made me so inspired, you an incredible person sean. An amazing beautiful person
Thank you for sharing this Sean. This story hit me hard. To keep it short….I have been there. On both sides…
You have a funny habit of leaving me at a loss for words. Powerful and beautiful. God bless you, you lovely man.
Wow . i always love to read what you write . And sometime its amazing what we can remember of the “old” Time . Thanks for Sharing
A clear conscience is the result of Gods divine gift of a sound mind by the power of love. The past is unable to be changed. All of u could probably relate to having made a mistake, but if we learned something then even that mistake had a purpose. In Saw, you played a character named “Bobby” and I hated that guy! He was a whore that wrecked his own home! But he repented for all the things that were surfacing and I believe he was purifying himself. When we apologize, we mean that we are sorry and did not mean to hurt another, this means that we will have to acquire self-discipline so that we do not repeat the same mistake… With a clean heart and mind, who wouldn’t want to guard it from all the vile thoughts and actions? So, instead of dwelling on the past, learn from it and move forward with an even greater purpose than the mistakes. Remember not the transgression, but remember the lesson.
You fight on the side of the angels Sean. And your Grandaddy Charlie knows.
Sean you always seem to make me cry. I felt your pain. I never had a friend until I was about 10 and I remember times when I did start hanging out with other kids that I stood back and said nothing if I saw someone being teased. I didn’t think it was right but I was scared. Scared that I would lose friends, scared that I would be the target. I should have said something. I do now. I speak up for other people. I just can’t speak up for me. All I do is get upset.
Thanks for sharing.
May I ask some advice? I’m looking to study a Martial Art. I want to improve my balance and body awareness, be more disciplined and complement the fitness program I have at gym. How does someone choose a martial arts style? I’ve researched on the Internet and asked folks on Twitter but I’m still unsure. Do you try several classes and see what feels best?
hay a good night and god bless. love janie
So, you start all your prayers by thanking God for the food you may or may not be eating? That’s kind of adorable.
Dear Sean Patrick ,
I take my courage between hands to writing to you.
First of all, I would like to apologize if I’ve got a very poor English vocabulary.
I will tried to express my feeling in your language.
I hope I will found the words !
Since a few moment, I read your blog and in the same time I learn a lot !
If I can’t manage to express, I simply would like to say : thank you !
Thanks to sharing with us your experiences , your childhood !
I discovered in you , not only an actor , but a trully human being !
Your grandaddy would be proud of you !
You have got sincerity , counciousness !
You are a good man !
Not PUSSY !
Take care Sean Patrick !
God bless you !
Finally , hope that you will understood my poor english ! lol 🙂
Thank you for allowing us to share in your conversation with God. I talk to Him daily, and sometimes I hear back and it’s always a sense of peace and clarity when He does. You do shine, your soul shines and you’re no longer casting any shadows. God bless, Sean, and keep shining 🙂
God bless you, sean
Awesome story Sean. There was a documentary on the history Chanel several weeks ago about the Edmond Fitzgerald, and my husband showed that song to our son. You’re a quick learner Sean. My moral compass was askew for many years, but I think it’s finally dead on. I’ve enjoyed the stories and I especially love you smiling on the other side of the tree. Love U 5ever !!!!
Wow, it wasn’t until one comment here that I understood what it’s all about. It pointed out things I hadn’t noticed, and the reason for not noticing them is that I’ve never talked to God. I’ve never actually believed in Him. But all this got so many feelings go around inside me, even after reading the comment – that actually got them roll around more. I think it’s great you shared all this, to me it was really powerful – feelings are still going. So far I think I won’t ever have the belief, but I do admire yours (and others’).
Thank you. Belief is the only way I can make sense of such a logic defying event. My understanding of time should’ve prevented that event from ever happening… but yet it happened anyway. … And with the seemingly serendipitous and timely delivery of such a pertinent message, well… Yes, I believe. I’m not arrogant enough to claim that I understand, but rather humble enough to admit that I don’t.
Johanna has practically written my own thoughts better than I could have!
Speaking of truth and redemption and the Edmund Fitzgerald…
All of the things that have happened in your life, both good and bad, have come together to make you the man you are today. A man that I perceive to be deeply spiritual, honorable and good. Thank you for sharing this story with us. It was moving and thought provoking.
I’m really happy that you found piece and I don’t know if you would believe me, but I hope you do, I cried. Your words are so powerful and raw and so inspiring that I can’t even explain it. We all have something that we regret in our past and you managed to overcome them and become a better man. You are wonderful, sweet, funny, amazing man and I hope one day I get to go to either one of these comic-cons so I can finally meet you and tell you in person that you are amazing actor and a wonderful man. I’ll Shine…Until Tomorrow until then, stay strong and never forget who you are. God bless you Sean. – Grace @hunt_zombie
Thank you so much for sharing this story with us. The conclusion stirred much within.
And I think you’ve made the very best argument for “relationship” as opposed to “religion” that I’ve ever heard. Because aren’t the very best and worthiest conversations often held with someone Who Already Gets You?! Someone who will let you ramble on and even go your own way every now and then, despite their best advice, or gentlest nudges to ease you back on to the path, but never expects you to be anything more than what you were made to be.
We were not made to dwell in darkness — or fear, but to walk in the light. To see with better eyes than what a cracked mirror would reveal. Your story makes me think of one who was called out of darkness. A captive unaware, who’s eyes were finally opened. And who stepped out into the light.
Thanks for not hiding your light — but for holding it high to cast also upon us. so that we too, may shine.
I’m new to yr blog and simply happened upon it thru twitter. I lost my dad 3 yrs ago and lost my faith. I’ve been struggling to find my voice again with God. Now, thru this coincidence, thru yr conversation with Him, I think I’ve found the path again. Thank you for yr honesty and yr voice.
I held off responding to any of this until the last entry. We all make mistakes. And if you don’t, you’re a fucking liar!! What sets us apart is how we deal with those mistakes. Do we dwell on them, live within them, poke them with a stick until they bleed? Or do we learn from them, make amends to those we’ve wronged and ourselves, and move on with lessons learned? To whomever you have these “conversations” with, be it God, Allah, the Goddess, or Dr. Seuss (I don’t judge!), we need to have these conversations to help us see ourselves, the harm we’ve done, and help stitch the wounds closed. I have made my own grievous errors in this life: and I’ve begged for forgiveness not just from my “benevolent one”, but also from myself. If I can’t forgive myself for being human, then I don’t deserve to be human. I will err. I will fuck it all up. And I will pick myself up, wipe off the dust, blood, and tears, and keep moving in the direction I’m supposed to, wherever that may be.
I’m glad that you have a good relationship with God. I think having a strong moral compass doesn’t necessarily mean it’s never veered off course. Rather, I think it means that when it DOES go awry, that you do everything in your power to steer it true north again, and that you take responsibility for the mistakes made. You’re a good man, Sean, so I’m confident that your compass has pointed north more times than not. After all, becoming a good human doesn’t just happen overnight, it’s something that takes years to develop and a lifetime to hone.
As I suspect you were, I too was raised to have a strong open relationship with God. But not too long ago, I found myself in the middle of a crisis of faith. Thankfully, after much soul searching, and many MANY conversations with my mom, my faith has been growing stronger. It’s still not back to 100%, but at least I don’t feel as lost and adrift as I once did. Like you, I have conversations with The Big Man and lately, I’ve done a lot of apologizing for my lack of faith. A lot of those conversations leave me in tears, because I recognize and accept that I was blaming Him, and that I was so bitter and angry about things…I felt so broken and to be honest, there are days where I STILL feel like a broken toy that’s been left in the back of the closet. But I’m confident that I’ll get back to where I feel right with myself and right with God; until then, I’ll just keep paddling and hope that my own moral compass remains intact.
Wow….as a Christian woman living in a secular world, it can be hard enough for us “regular” people to talk about our faith. So it makes my heart swell a bit when someone whose words will be read or heard by so many, can speak with such conviction about his or her beliefs, unafraid of what the rest of the world will think. I hope to have courage like that. Just like everyone else, I have done things that I am not proud of, but I know that I have been forgiven by God. It’s forgiving oneself that seems to be the hardest part and some days I’m not sure I’m “there” yet. I know that you have been forgiven by Him and I wish you much forgiveness, peace and many blessings in life. Shine on <3
I’m not even sure if moved is the appropriate word to describe what I am after reading this. You know, a vast majority of adults are still unable to identify their wrongs, let alone correct them. YOU identified a wrong as a kid. Not only did you identify it, you identified it almost immediately. As for correcting them, you make every attempt to consistently make corrections since then. What does that tell you? Granddaddy is beyond proud. And I’ll say this until the cows, chickens and the rest of the livestock come home: You are and always have been an inspiration to me and the tons of people that support you and everything you do. If that doesn’t define personal growth and achievement, I don’t know what does.
This really hit home with me and stirred up a lot of emotions. Since we are all friends here I will share this with you. When I was a kid I was far from popular. I was a poor kid who was fat and shopped at goodwill. I was teased almost every day of my life. There was another girl at my elementary school who was like me, her name was Kat. She was teased as well. We were never truly friends but we got along. It was like a silent friendship with us. Well as time went on I was desperate to be one of the cool kids. I did a lot of stupid things like stealing money from my mom, but nothing compared to this day. It was April and I was in 5th grade. It was our afternoon recess and everyone was outside playing. I was wondering around by myself like usual since all the swings were taken. I noticed over on the gym equipment some of the kids were congregated. Anytime that happened it was either something gross or someone was being picked on. I noticed that it was Kat who they were surrounding. One of the popular kids noticed me and waved me over. At this time I had a dilemma. Run away, help her, or join them. I saw her pleading eyes and I heard the kids callin my name and need of acceptance won. I went over with the kids and they were pointing and laughing and one was pushing her down. I saw her eyes pleading one last time to help but I didn’t I squared my shoulders and launched into every cruel thing I could say to her that would make the kids laugh. By the end she wasn’t even looking up at us. She had her head down and just didn’t move. The kids got bored and started to leave. I stood there staring at her until one of the popular kids called me over. I wanted to stay and tell her I was sorry but I turned around and left. I took one last look back and the look on her face is one I will never forget. It was a look of betrayal. I felt sick after that. I couldn’t believe what I had done. It had got me what I wanted though, I was now cooler to those other kids. Kat would not even look at me after that. I tried to get the courage to say I was sorry but I couldn’t Then in May it was too late. Came in one day and her desk was empty. Teacher said Kat would not be coming back(not dead just not returning) I knew then that I had no chance to tell her how sorry I was. I let social peer pressure win and all it got me was a few weeks of people laughing at how mean I was. I went home and told my parents that I did not want to be in public school anymore that I couldn’t handle it. The following year I went to a private christian school. There I changed myself for the better but that face still haunted me. I never told anyone about it and how much it still bothered me. I would always wonder what happened to her. Was she still around the area? Did they move away? Was she even still alive? I had many sleepless nights because of this. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I never physically touched her but I beat her down mentally and I would pray night after night for God to please show me that she was ok. Just one thing that would tell me that I did not hurt her beyond repair. Years went by and that prayer I felt was never heard or I truly was a monster and did not deserve forgiveness. Three years ago I was waiting on a guy and he didn’t have enough money so he called over his girlfriend. She came over with their kid and wrote out a check and I had to ask for her ID. I looked at the ID and almost passed out. It was HER. I didn’t know what to say. I continued to process the order and listened to them. She seemed happy, genuinely happy. I wanted to break down there, but I didn’t. I didn’t know if she would even remember who I was. I smiled and told her to have a wonderful day. She smiled and said thanks. After work I went home and cried. Years I thought my prayer was unheard or that I was a monster. I thanked God immensely for finally showing me that she was ok. Even though I saw her and know she is ok it is still one thing that happened in my life that I will never forget. The events of that day changed the course of my life forever. For 13 yrs I believe I was being taught a lesson. I went through a lot but I believe it wasn’t until he thought I learned something from this that I was shown what happened.Gosh this was long and I am emotionally spent. This is the first time I have told anyone this. Thanks for sharing and listening.
Sean: I think most people have experienced similar situations in their childhood but I do not think they reflect and regret at that moment or years later. You were a child, an amazing sensitive boy, and the fact that Andy acknowledged you afterwards (while you were on the side of the house), I believe he knew your situation of having him “give up” and you understood why he wouldn’t. My Mom used to always say after you have worked hard on something internally without finding a conclusion it was time to “Let Go and Let God” handle it for you.
Such a beautiful writing. I read these as you posted but have finally got to read this as a whole. One thing I hve learned in my lifetime is that there will always be regret and some of those regrets you will spend a lifetime trying to make right. No one is perfect and I am sure we have all landed in situations that we wish we could do over. You know what Sean, you’ve helped so many of us and although that can’t erase this memory I hope knowing how many lives you have made better and improved will bring you some peace. You helped motivate me to lose 70lbs! You made my day with your hugs and kind words at Texas Frightmare Weekend. You didn’t even freak out when I started crying and shaking through my testimonial to you! You may have had a mess up in you your but as a man I believe you have made up or this tenfold. Thank you Sean for opening up to us! Like I told you at Frightmare you care about us and it touches us all. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
Very moving and profound story/prayer. You have helped me to put my thoughts back on my God as I try to maneuver through a very difficult time and put my trust back in Him. I’ve had several very profound moments that defy human logic and are sometimes even difficult to express to others because they were so personal and loving and specifically for me from, I am wholly convinced, God. Thank you, Sean, for sharing such a deeply personal account of our loving Creator gently showing you His great love.
Dear Sean, English is’nt my first language and I hope I can explain my feelings the right way and please excuse my mistakes in grammar or spelling.
I envy your faith. I don’t believe in God anymore. My whole life I had to overcome a lot of crisis. It began in school where I was a nobody who couldn’t find friends, so I had a lonely childhood. During that time I were sexual abused by my own father. I told my mother, but she didn’t believe me, so I didn’t tell anybody else. When I was 17 my father died and I was happy that he couldn’t touch me anymore. This all together resulted into panic attaks and depression since then. I have big problems trusting other people, especially men. But I found a good husband who could cope with my „illness“and I got two great boys. A few years later I got fibromyalgia which means a lot of pain at the whole body. It isn’t easy to pull through the day with this pain. Then my husband left me and got another woman in his life and on top of all I got breast cancer last year and they had to amputate one of my breasts. So that’s why I lost my faith. Where is he? I can’t find him anymore. In your last blog you told us to take responsibiliy for our own life. How can I do it. I only try to get through the day because of my two boys. I can’t find other things to live for and that’s why I don’t have energy to change my life. Sometimes I think maybe I will find a new man in my life. But who want’s to live with a woman with one breast, depression, panik attacks and fibromyalgia. I’m not easy to live with. Maybe you have an advice for me how I can come out of this darkness. I hope one day you will come to Germany and I can meet you.
It was a cold and lonely night. Tears were my only company. I sat in the dark on the floor of the bathroom. The water running from the bath tap was smothering the agony and sobs. Suddenly I stopped… And I knew I was not allone anymore. My sadness lifted and I smiled. He gave me ‘new’ life. A metamorphosis that would change my life forever. Thank you God. I understood why You had to be cruel…only to be kind.
Sean-after meeting you today, you asked my friends and I to re-ead this entry. It is there in black and white. The dates prove it. You were sent a message. It is unexplainable and awesome. I know you make your granddaddy proud. Keep being the positive, sweet, motivating, kicking life in the nuts person you are 🙂
What did you do the first time (well, the second time) you heard the “Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” in 1976 when it actually was recorded and you could hear it on the radio and people in the record shops would know what you were talking about? Did you instantly realize that you honestly had a prophetic/inexplicable experience on April 18, 1975? Was it at THAT moment you believed (in God)? Regardless, I really think what you have to say is thoughtful and nice and refreshing. Thanks!
What did I do? I slowly picked my bottom jaw up off the floor and recalibrated… everything.
u no Sean ur openness is what makes u so sexy. u might have ur own beliefs and everyone does. but ur courage to be so open and tell whoever [email protected]# it. its what made me a lil weak in the knees just kidding but i definitely took notice. keep doing what ur doing. we all luv to hear how things go in ur life. as a knew fan luv ya well as an actor. 🙂 as a young one i was always called miss inappropriate. tell me how great does it feel to be inappropriate to me i luv it.
Thanks for the great story and the pictures. Keep them coming!
After posting this comment the other day, I got to thinking about it and I didn’t mean to make it sound like it was just a story for our entertainment. It’s not just a story, it’s a very special experience that makes you feel better just talking about it. I want to thank you for sharing it with us. The good things that you are doing now have more than 10 times made up for what you did to Andy or any other wrongs you may have done in your life. Just the way you are with your fans when you meet and talk to them (me being one of them). You are doing more good than you will ever know. Thanks again
Mr. Flanery, good evening: I think this story told me that about the dark side and the bright side of humanity. I believe that God lives in everyone’s soul but the soul is covered with desire, anger, ignorance, jealousy and pride. That makes people can not see God. If we get courage to face those bad things and wipe them off our soul, we may find peace in our own soul. Your Grandfather and Andy are angels, and you are, too. The story is a lesson for me. Pray for all of us and wish that we get bravery to admit our mistakes and correct them. Thank you for telling the story, Sir. Good night and a hug. Iris
I could really use a uplifting, motivational, positive blog post from you right now. I am really really struggling right now. My life is spinning chaotically out of control. I just need something to read that I can grasp onto. I was going to post what’s going on but I really don’t want the world to read that . I really hope you see this
Thanks, Shannon Holman
I just saw this, but persevere. Trust me… all things get better with determination, drive, and discipline (which we all came equipped with). God bless!! -S
Thank you for sharing and thank you for reminding me. I just had my own chat with God for the day and I thanked him for bringing you into my life (among other things). Your point of view always helps me to see things a little clearer and helps to keep up my determination to live a better life.
I know you wrote this piece a while ago, maybe you’ll see this. What about the people who walk pass mirrors and don’t look at all?
There are so many wonderful stories on Shine Until Tomorrow and they all are close to my heart.
If someone asks me which one is your favorite… I can’t really tell.
But coming back to Andy & rereading his whole story here and in Jane Two… wow… I noticed how much content is inside, how many awesome messages and how much you can learn from here.
And how much it changed you.
I admire you for being so open and honest and I want to thank you for letting us be a part of your prayer to God.
Oh… you‘ve corrected MORE than 10 times… Grandaddy sees that!
I think after all… I‘ve found my favorite one…
Thank you… a lot.